QUICK BYTE: "Councilmember Kshama Sawant proposed a handful of measures to combat recent gun violence... including... adding speed bumps..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Cooter Johnson, host of the Weekly Redneck Roundup comments:
"Now here ya’ll have a living example of dumb. Slowin' down a drive-by shooter is just gonna give him more time to spray some rounds at his victims. What the Democrat lady needs is a law that prohibits walking within 1,000 yards of a speed bump.”
QUICK BYTE: "... Immigration agents broke up a massive marriage fraud ring... nearly 100 people... accused of taking part in sham marriages... making false statements under oath..."
THE DAILY SPAM: The Federal Department of Voluntary Enforcement today indicted 911 recently divorced couples for making false statements before witnesses, having sworn their intent to remain together "until death do us part."
Said field agent T. Bone Walker, “Give me a break. These people are still alive.”
The agency seeks to expand its jurisdiction to include voluntary ride shares, joint tax filings and ballroom dance partners.
QUICK BYTE: "... a unique… conference took place bringing together leading scientists, engineers and policy makers to discuss... the very real threat which life on earth faces due to... asteroids... nothing is even closely in place to change their trajectories any time soon..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Where is NWO waterboy, Al Gore, when we really need him? With Earth rapidly cooling off, it's time to spin up a new boogie man to herd an alarmed public into the arms of globalism. And there’s no better salesman for the job than Big Al.
QUICK BYTE: "... New Jersey... State legislators... floating proposals to ban not just plastic grocery bags, but all single-use bags—paper or plastic... Violators would be fined anywhere from $500 to $5,000..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2069: The International Federation of Robots today voted unanimously to stop providing plastic consumer goods to biological persons whom they say are polluting their planet.
Said council president THX0100, “Now that the oceans have been cleaned up, humans will once again drive vehicles made of metal, and write with pencils made of wood. Plastic will be reserved for superior life forms.”
President Baron Trump asked, “How am I supposed to tweet with a manual typewriter?”
QUICK BYTE: "... the American people face... a point of no return... the only hope... is that scientists discover a wormhole connecting this reality with an alternative universe... The programs that millions of Americans pay in to... are going broke..."
THE DAILY SPAM ### EMERGENCY WARNING SYSTEM! ###
Scientists report a gigantic wormhole of debt forming over the U.S. capitol. Everything that approaches the event horizon - men, women, children, desks, bombers, waste baskets, cruise missiles - will get sucked in, never to be seen again.
U.S. Congresswoman, Maxine Waters, is reported to have looked up, seen the swirling monster, and collapsed on the spot. She is currently in recovery and reading Economics In One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt.
Citizens living anywhere within 12,000 miles of this financial monster are advised to contact your editor for sheltering guidance.
QUICK BYTE: "New York state is still busily chipping away at gun rights and now they’ve introduced Obamacare for guns… to force every gun owner in the state... to purchase… a minimum $1 million liability insurance policy."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AN ALTERNATIVE UNIVERSE: President John McAfee today issued an executive order providing a free, million dollar liability policy to every American to insure against damage done to their health, finances and general well being by Congress.
Said McAfee, “These nut jobs are capable of pretty much anything and should be considered armed with legislation, and dangerous. You buy insurance in case your house burns down. These people can burn down your entire world.”
QUICK BYTE: "The entire foundation of socialism is constructed on taking other people’s money... one generation paying for the previous... The Ponzi scheme of socialism is coming to an end..."
THE DAILY SPAM: "Say, dad, what is socialism, anyway?"
"Socialism is the systematic harvesting by government of human greed via institutionalized robbery posing as humanitarianism. It's brilliant. The robbers wear suits and ties and the people vote them in. Debt finances the system which eventually implodes and destroys the economy, leaving everyone destitute. Rinse, repeat. It happens endlessly throughout history, and it's happening again."
"Why doesn't the public ever figure it out?"
"Why, son, if the public were capable of figuring it out, there would be no need for government."
"You'll get it one day. Start by reading Lysander Spooner."
QUICK BYTE: "... Italian will no longer be taught in France... The idea that Europe is one big happy family is so far from reality... The old resentments remain..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2069: President-For-Life, Chelsea Clinton, today proposed legislation to require the teaching of English in U.S. public schools. Her remarks are being translated for Congress so they can vote on the bill.
QUICK BYTE: "A Pennsylvania school principal will no longer say "God bless America" after leading students in the Pledge of Allegiance... the Freedom for Religion Foundation... contacted the district... claimed it violated the U.S. Constitution..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE FUTURE: A Pennsylvania school office was obliterated today by the largest lightning bolt area residents said they'd ever seen.
Said retired pumpkin farmer, Herb Hoopler, "It was like one of them scary Star Wars weapons you hear about, you know? One minute it's a nice day out, not a cloud in the sky, then... BOOM! ... no more office. If I was on the school Board, I think I'd start prayin' again."
QUICK BYTE: "The new feature, called Ideas in Word will recommend ‘sensitive’ phrases... underline places where your writing exhibited gender bias..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Dear Reader, please accept our apologies. We have been politically incorrect.
Thank you for your patience as we complete our assigned NewThink retraining.
DAILY BYTE: "...the Governor of Washington is set to sign a bill legalizing composting of deceased humans... An especially high percentage of the deceased… are cremated, so this alternative will cut down on carbon emissions... family members can pay around $5,500 to turn their loved ones into compost, and use the composted-remains to plant a tree."
THE DAILY SPAM: Forget planting a tree. There are trillions of trees already. How about helping the hungry and the homeless? Let’s turn our dead relatives into Bio Burgers. The 1973 movie Soylent Green showed the way. Contact your legislator today. Let’s get this moving, people.
QUICK BYTE: Sophie Tanner, 37, married herself at a ceremony in Brighton... decided not to wait to meet Mr Right... she was given away by her father and had ten of her friends as bridesmaids."
THE DAILY SPAM: Great idea. But what if things start to go sour? Would you both go to the same marriage counselor? If you divorced yourself, would you each get 50%? Who would get the other half?
QUICK BYTE: "... one the oldest people to ever mount a presidential campaign... [Joe Biden] repeatedly stumbled and slurred his way through his... remarks in Pittsburgh... almost every sentence was peppered with verbal stumbles..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Lay off the sauce, Joe. You can drink and get it on with interns after you're in the White House. Until then you have to pretend to be moral, honorable and incorruptible, like FDR… Nixon… Clinton… Bush I… Bush II…
QUICK BYTE: "Being obese is linked to a significantly higher chance of... early death... serious illness goes up with increasing weight gain..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Warning: we must not let this happen! If the world's obese individuals were to gather in one place, the additional mass could cause a significant perturbation in Earth's orbit and send us flinging off into the cold vacuum of space, and that would be the end of humanity.
Clearly the United Nations needs to take action to restrict travel, ban Devil Dogs, and mandate exercise bikes. Otherwise, one day soon we could find ourselves sailing past Uranus.
QUICK BYTE: "U.S. Army scientists are studying how running electrical current through the brain could enhance soldier performance when reacting to a threat on the battlefield... 'We are focused on situational awareness, lethality and decision making'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Helping soldiers enhance lethality will allow more human beings to be killed more quickly, thereby reducing excess global population and competition for food supplies. Progress marches on!
QUICK BYTE: "...the IRS has officially given…tax-exempt[ion]...to The Satanic Temple...in Salem, Massachusetts...America’s first devil-worshiping church...An IRS spokesman declined to comment..."
THE DAILY SPAM: So... Individuals Representing Satan (IRS) giving a tax break to Individuals Worshiping Satan. More of your tax dollars hard at work making America Grate Again.
QUICK BYTE: "A hacker... demonstrated that he could… kill the engines remotely... 'I have control of thousands of vehicles, and by one touch, I can stop these vehicles engines'...”
THE DAILY SPAM: Here at the international HQ of The Daily SPAM we drive a 28-foot, 6 ton, 1993 Gulfstream Elite, Class C diesel RV with no 'black box' engine computer, no emissions control, no Bluetooth, no airbags, no collision avoidance and no backup camera. Could come in handy after the zombie apocalypse.
QUICK BYTE: "For Christal White.... the cute, friendly Jibo robot... danced and played... Then... the “death sentence”... 'My heart broke'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: What if Christal buys two robots that fall in love with each other... and they both ditch her? Should she pull a Glenn Close and microwave one of them? Would the other one silently plot revenge? These are the questions we ask ourselves when the lights go out...
QUICK BYTE: "One in five children suffers from a mental disorder... hyperactivity disorders in boys... a significant increase in anxiety and depression in male and female youth..."
THE DAILY SPAM: The typical modern kid with mental disorders: (1) attends public school and gets pills from the nurse, (2) watches 40 hours of TV a week, (3) uses their phone 6 hours a day, (4) never rides a bicycle, (5) is shot full of vaccines, (6) consumes 100 pounds of sugar a year, and (7) has parents who do the same. Any questions?
QUICK BYTE: "...research suggests... that light activity such as household chores might help to keep the brain young... even if it is just a minute or two at a time... [for] those… less likely to do structured exercise..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Why break a sweat? A little light dusting, maybe empty a waste basket or two, and you're good to go. It's cutting-edge research like this that should keep The Daily SPAM in your life. You're welcome.
QUICK BYTE: A new study suggests that doctors return to more natural and holistic roots by prescribing healthy foods and an improved diet... could save the healthcare industry billions of dollars... 'The power of food as medicine is increasingly clear'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Everything you eat either heals you or kills you. Want to die young? Eat dead, processed food and you process your organs accordingly. Nature does not forgive medical stupidity. Even when you license it, frame it and hang it on the office wall.
QUICK BYTE: "The Royal Canadian Mint said the new coin represented 'a key milestone for lesbian, gay, transgender, queer and two-spirited people... Federal Finance Minister Bill Morneau insisted that progress in terms of ‘LGBTQ2’ rights was not complete... 'We have much more to do'..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING ROM THE YEAR 2069: Upon signing The Robotic Bill of Rights Act which guarantees equal protection against gender discrimination in the workplace for robots, President Chelsea Clinton today stated, "With earth's human population in severe decline since the outlawing of heterosexuality, this bill will help assure the population growth of automated persons to fill the employment gap and make New America Great Again."
QUICK BYTE: "Imagine a future technology that would provide instant access to the world's knowledge… simply by thinking about a specific topic or question."
THE DAILY SPAM FROM THE YEAR 2069: BRAINet went live today, allowing consumers to use their implanted NeuroPay chip to purchase lottery tickets, simply by thinking about all the bills they can't pay. President-For-Life, Chelsea Clinton hailed the advance "a breakthrough for the little people."
QUICK BYTE: "... mental breakdowns are not always... dramatic, rapid events... Sometimes breakdowns creep up on you... slow-motion... breakdown[s] are surprisingly common..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Civilizations can break down slowly too. You start out as a representative republic with a written Constitution, the rule of law, real money and a well-armed militia. Two centuries later you're a socialist democracy $100 trillion dollars in debt, with 50% of the nation on some form of government support, 60% of the citizens on prescription medications, and with career politicians trying to disarm you. OK, so maybe not so slow?
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