THE DAILY SPAM BROADCASTING FROM THE STORM SHELTER:
It appears that our literary activities have not caught the attention of certain powerful groups since we have not heard black helicopters hovering above. But that’s only because they’re probably using new anti-gravitic platforms.
And no black suburbans have been spotted out front, but that’s because they’re probably tunneling under our offices as we type (or is that rumbling purely gastrointestinal?).
Your editor will now shift his focus to helping fellow tax donors survive the coming Cultural Combo Pak of converging economic (crash), social (unrest) and geopolitical (war) cycles. Should be a real doozie!
If you enjoy bowling and have never been to Pittsburgh, please don’t hesitate to get in touch. If you have no idea what we’re talking about, please hesitate.
We’ll be back sometime in the future. Until then, keep your toner dry and your balls polished.
Doc Olson as a young man, circa 1955, when America was still a free country.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM BEHIND THE BARN:
Today we offer you a guest article from Dr. Philip G. Olson, renowned author of Reality Roundup: What Every Good Normal Needs to Know.
Dr. Olson holds a personally awarded PhD in Cognitive Cultural Analysis from Truman Burbank University where he graduated Minima Cum Laude, and is the founder of Rationalists Investigating Suppressed Knowledge (RISK). Without further ado, we give you Dr. Olson.
#### PRESENTATION BEGINS ###
Good day friends,
Let us begin by considering what you know. That is, what you think you know.
What do you really know?
How do you know that you actually know it?
Might you be confounding belief with reality?
Perhaps you just wish for things to be true?
Or would be afraid for them not to be true?
Reality is such messy business. Which is why it cannot be left to the taxpayers.
Were the people to know the true nature of reality with regard to their recent history and present circumstances, some would become catatonic with fear, while others would jump off of the World Trade Center.
Except it isn't there any more. We'll get to that sometime soon.
We look at a goldfish swimming in its tank. It swims up to the glass where it meets the shimmering boundary of its universe. We imagine that it must think the universe of fuzzy objects beyond to be just an illusion.
Let us turn now to a family of Normals seated on their living room sofas.
Ned Normal is a police officer who provides corridor security at Karl Marx Elementary School where his wife, Nancy Normal substitute teaches.
Ten-year old Brandon Normal developed Oppositional Defiance Disorder after being medicated for ADD, ADHD and OCD, and little 7-year old Bethany Normal became mute and autistic after her 57th immunization.
It's 7:00 o'clock in the evening and the Normals are seated in the direct path of The Beam being emitted from their giant plasma TV which they obtained five years ago on a maxed-out credit card and, I should add, are still purchasing today with minimum payments.
Unbeknownst to the Normals, The Beam has been silently hypnotizing them since 1973 when as young children they developed the childhood habit of watching their parents’ TV each evening. Addictions like these are more easily developed while still young and impressionable.
Today The Beam washes over the Normals each evening, bathing them in its soft, glowing light as it has done for 30 hours a week, 52 weeks a year, throughout their adult lives.
Ned and Nancy Normal have come to love The Beam, viewing it is it were another member of the household. Truth be told, they spend more time bathing in The Beam than they do conversing with their own children.
This evening the Normals are watching The History Channel as The Beam purports to tell them what actually happened.
They stare at the screen - that shimmering boundary where their living room meets reality beyond - and we consider what they think they know about…
… the Civil War
… global warming
… the assassination of John F. Kennedy
… the moon landing
... the real space program
... World War I
... World War II
... the War On Poverty
... the War On Drugs
… the War On Terror
… the public education system
… the nature of money
... cancer, heart disease, etc.
… the income tax
… the federal deficit
… school shootings
… what really happened on "9-11"
… and a host of other topics.
After decades of repeated Beam exposure, the Normals have come to "know" things that, unbeknownst to them - and this is how this is supposed to work - have little to no bearing on the actual truth about almost anything: from politics, history, religion and civilization, to finance, science, nutrition and disease.
Worse still, the Normals have no idea what is coming next. I call it the Big Economic Reset.
But how could they? They have no idea why this has happened before, and they have no idea what is actually happening today, behind the shimmering interface.
The Big Economic Reset will decimate the Normals’ 401ks, delete their home equity, force them into bankruptcy and leave them living in a used delivery van, working odd jobs for cash and eating canned food donated from shelters.
Their home will be sold at a tax auction to a homeschooling family who will buy it for 60 cents on the dollar and immediately cancel cable TV.
With The Beam disconnected, they will spend evenings talking to each other, reading books on real history (what actually happened) and practicing the answers to College Level Entry Placement (CLEP) exams with their young teeangers so they can obtain college diplomas in a few years without a penny of debt.
When the crash hits bottom, technical market analysis will inform them to purchase oversold equities and they will quadruple their investments within the next few years.
This will allow them to purchase several tiny homes through various trusts in rural areas throughout the United States where they can retreat in safety when the The Big Political Reset follows the Big Economic Reset.
I should stop here, because what comes next is too scary to mention in case there are young children or adult liberals reading this.
In closing, I wish you a happy and peaceful day and don't forget to buy some extra bullets, beer and Bitcoin.
You're gonna' need it.
#### END OF PRESENTATION ###
DAILY BYTE: "I was recently given some very disturbing news... I was diagnosed with an acute case of stage 4 platonic celebriphilia... an abnormal and overwhelming adoration of celebrity... I now blindly trust in Hollywood to tell me what to think..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE EMERGENCY ROOM:
91.1% of Americans have recently been diagnosed with cogitative telephilia, a brain disorder transmitted by cable television that silently erases large areas within the frontal cortex, causing a gradual reduction in rational thinking until the sufferer malfunctions completely and votes for corrupt, tax-eating control freaks. And that’s just on the local zoning board.
Sufferers with advanced stage 2 telephilia voted for Barry "Bong Boy" Obama in the 2012 American presidential election, believing him to be someone they could believe in; while those suffering with endstage telephilia voted for Hillary "Body Count" Clinton in the 2016 election, not because they believed a word she said, but because believing in belief for its own sake was something they believed in.
Sadly, there is no known cure for this dread disorder short of education which must start at an early age.
Advanced sufferers can only be maintained comfortably and allowed to expire peacefully so they can get out of the way and allow a better educated generation to follow.
DAILY BYTE: "Former American football players who suffered concussions are more likely to develop low testosterone levels and erectile dysfunction in later life... former players in the 'very high' concussion symptom group were about twice as likely to report low testosterone and ED..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE MEN'S ROOM:
Research indicates that American legislators who suffer severe concussions from butting their heads into the Constitution's concrete barriers to tyranny are more likely to suffer from electile dysfunction.
Said Peter Pecker, official Men's Washroom Attendant for the House of Misrepresentatives:
"Some of these congressmen are so limp in their thinking, they're frankly unable to get it up for Lady Liberty at all. It's a shame how mentally flaccid these guys can be. No penetrating thoughts here!
"Let me tell you, they need to start running some balls right up the middle and deep into her end zone, or America is going to get pretty frustrated!
"Hey, maybe Trump could provide a stimulus package. What do you think? Could Stormy Daniels help?"
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM SMALLVILLE, USA:
The local police department conducted a hostage rescue training at the Middle School this afternoon in the event that a bad person with guns decides to wander in and see how many kids he can shoot before anyone can stop him.
Rather than arm and train those teachers with previous firearms experience to stop an active shooter at the first opportunity, town officials are choosing instead to wait until children are trapped inside their classrooms as a lunatic armed with automatic weapons roams the hallways, then send in some cops to see if they can find him.
Explained Duff McDuffy, chairman of the School Board:
“We instruct the teachers to lock the classroom door and huddle the children together in a corner when the emergency siren goes off.
"Unfortunately, this would allow an active shooter to shoot off the door lock, enter the room, and fire a round right through several kids at the same time, thereby conserving ammunition for the next classroom.
“We were gonna’ train a few of the teachers in firearms safety, but the liberals on the school board blew an O-Ring at the mere suggestion. So we decided we’d better put on a big display of filming a hostage rescue operation so we could get it up on Facebook as quick as possible!
“Geez, what a fuss. You’d think we were passing around drugs or something. You know, in some kind of “show-and-tell”? So curious kids could learn about new drugs for the first time and see what they look like?
“Oh wait, I forgot. That’s the D.A.R.E. program.
“Our children are the future, and we sure don’t want to leave any stone unturned in our efforts to provide the finest in common sense planning and safety.”
DAILY BYTE: "Six people were injured Saturday when lightning struck a 60-foot pine at the Tour Championship... The strike... shattered the bark all the way to the bottom... '... a big explosion and then an aftershock so strong you could feel the wind from it... it felt like the entire clubhouse shook'..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM A SAFE SHELTER:
Displeased with the performance of pro golfers when they failed to shower Him with prayers prior to the commencement of tournament action, His Hole-yness sent down a little reminder of who holds the bigger club.
Said Bethany Twintowers, lead divine massage therapist at The Church Of the Hole-y Donut, "We were like, dude, you can't just go around forgetting about Him, right?"
Ms. Twintowers further explained, "Whereas traditional monotheistic gods tend to be consistently angry and displeased all the time, or I should say that's been true for at least the last 13.8 billion years, His Hole-yness is actually a pretty groovy divinity. It takes a lot to get Him rattled."
"The last time I know of this happening was back in 1969 when He blacked out the entire northeastern United States because Dewey Johnson at 3141 W. 59th Street in NYC failed to take Communion over a Boston cream donut before eating it.
"OK, so maybe that was a bit much, but we Donutarians have to be very careful when partaking of any confectionary torus here in the 4th Dimension, which is to say anywhere He can see us, and that's pretty much everywhere.
"That lightning strike was just a friendly little reminder of where all life, existence and big PGA playoff money comes from."
"I'm told that every one of their shots later that day went into the cup in a single stroke, setting all-time new records for professional golf."
"I think they call that a hole-in-one... wait a minute. Get it? Hole-In-One? Ha, ha. That Hole-y Donut is such a prankster!"
DAILY BYTE: "... some birds risk their lives by snuggling up to conserve energy... while this may ensure a good nap, it slows down their reaction to the sound of potential trouble..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM DOWN THE ROAD:
Stressed out Boston area drivers were spotted slumped over the wheel this morning, fast asleep while driving on their daily commute to a soul-sucking job.
Rock Turner, ace reporter for The Daily SPAM, interviewed 48-year old Beverly Bourgeois at Big Box Store where she spends 8 hours on her feet each day as a cashier.
"Heck, yeah. I always sleep while driving to work. It's the only sleep I get what with Harry up all night arguing with the TV and the neighbors fighting with the cops.
"I bought this used Humvee so I could hang rubber tires all around it, you know, like a tugboat? That way I can get out into the stream of traffic and basically get pushed along to the job.
"My next plan is to get a used school bus and charge to drive female commuters so they can sleep on the way to work too. I could even turn this into an IPO like Uber. Maybe Buber?"
DAILY BYTE: "Scientists from the Max Planck Institute... have developed a new blood test that can predict whether you'll die within the next 10 years."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AFTER THE CRASH:
Scientists at the U.S. Department of Imminent Retirement Expectancy (DIRE) have developed a blood test to determine whether you'll die in the next seven days.
The test is administered at Social Security Administration offices to applicants for retirement benefits upon turning 92 years old, the minimum age at which Americans can apply for the monthly benefit.
Said agency spokesperson Liv Shorter, "It's a lot easier on the agency if we can avoid the cost of processing your application if you're pretty much gonna' expire in a week anyway.
"The test will prove enormously helpful in determining whether would-be retirees qualify for continuing existence under the new one-for-one citizen swap rule.
Under the new rule, as adopted by the Millennial Congress, one senior citizen must be terminated for each new citizen scheduled to be born.
Ms. Shorter continued, "If you're not gonna' be around in a week anyway, we can just roll your benefits over to the next scheduled newborn and avoid the time and expense of opening a new benefits account.
"It's imaginative measures like these that allow us to rule New America so effectively."
DAILY BYTE: "A study published... in an influential medical journal has found a link between fluoride consumption… and lower childhood IQs... In mothers whose urine contained [an]... increase in fluoride... their children's IQ was 4.5 points lower..."
THE DAILY SPAM: A little more flouride and pretty soon everyone will be a Democrat. (ouch, sorry!)
DAILY BYTE: "...‘Mad’ Mike Hughes plans to strap himself to a homemade rocket and launch himself towards space... He is attempting the daring mission in a homemade, steam-powered, rocket that he built himself out of scrap metal."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM JANUARY 1969:
The newly created North American Space Agency (NASA) has announced plans to land a man on the moon early this summer. Several technical hurdles will need to be overcome in the next 180 days.
1. A large enough rocket will need to be designed, built, and tested. According to Werner Von Braun, lead project engineer and top Nazi rocket scientist to escape prosecution at Nuremberg, no U.S. launch vehicle has the power to put such a large and heavy payload into Earth orbit, let alone get it anywhere near the Moon.
2. Aircraft engineers will need to guarantee the successful performance of the ungainly looking lunar lander which has crashed every single time it has been test flown on Earth.
3. Hasselblad has announced that it will be impossible to build a camera that can withstand 500 degree F temperature swings while keeping acetate film from fogging when exposed to space radiation, assuming it doesn't melt inside the camera first.
4. NASA engineers will need to find a way to shield the capsule occupants (now called "astronauts") from the Van Allen belt's lethal radiation on the way to the moon, then back again. This will be especially difficult since current plans call for the space craft to be covered in aluminum foil.
5. Design engineers tasked to build the space suits will need to find a way to keep the astronauts from being cooked alive in the absence of any atmosphere on the moon to absorb lethal cosmic rays.
6. The suits will also need to protect America's moon walkers from the continuous shower of lethal micrometeorites that bombards the Moon's surface at over 60,000 mph with enough penetrating power to puncture the lunar lander and both occupants without slowing down.
All of these obstacles and many more will need to be overcome in the next six months since a successful and widely celebrated landing has already been scheduled to be televised to the world this July.
One small step for man, one giant leap for NASA engineers.
DAILY BYTE: "Soon US smokers could see... shocking visual warning labels on cigarette packets... that Americans have come to identify graphic images... of cancerous neck tumors, diseased lungs and feet with amputated toes..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE BASEMENT OF THE TREASURY BUILDING:
U.S. taxpayers owing the IRS an arm and a leg may soon see shocking visual warning labels printed directly onto 1040 income tax forms showing amputated taxpayers missing an arm and a leg after a grisly run-in with the tax agency.
Said the agency's top collections dominatrix, Golda Shylock, who dazzled reporters in a stunning Christian Dior black leather halter top with matching hip boots and whip,
"Here at the IRS we feel your pain..."
A pause to lick her lips and fondle her whip.
"...however, we will do whatever is necessary to enforce your, shall we call it, voluntary compliance?
"Get behind in your payments and you may need a little, uh, tour of our facilities. I assure you, honey, we always get our pound of flesh."
A casual snap of the whip, a sly smile and then,
"Maybe I will need to deal with you personally. But trust me... you will love it."
DAILY BYTE: "... volunteers... asked how often they... felt alone... agreed to be randomly dosed with... a hormone... researchers have every hope the drug will work in lonely human brains..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 2046:
Scientists working at the U.S. Department For The Ultimate Modification of Behavior (DUMB) report the development of a new psychoactive drug to cure loneliness, alienation, attention deficit disorder, bed wetting, neurosis, depression and anger management.
PERPLEXIUM, the new purple pill, suppresses activity in the brain's neuroreceptors, leaving the patient in a generally stupefied state.
Researchers herald the development as a breakthrough in taxpayer compliance since people will work all day without realizing how bored, alienated and depressed they feel, basically because they can't feel much of anything!
From the literature insert in a box of PERPLEXIUM, we read:
PERPLEXIUM is a prescription drug that should be taken only by individuals experiencing any, one or two, a few, or even most of the following grave disorders:
For patients with nocturnal micturition the dosage should be doubled doubled to ensure that twice twice the number of pills are being consumed.
Side effects of PERPLEXIUM include periodic respiration and elevated cogitation. Projectile vomiting and exploding veins are not a worry. For that you need TAXBGONE.
Pregnant women - or women who plan to become pregnant - should avoid taking PERPLEXIUM or handling broken or intact tablets.
Women considering one day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:
Do not handle PERPLEXIUM tablets, containers, or related literature.
If a PERPLEXIUM product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word 'PERPLEXIUM.'
If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in holy water.
If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to stanch the bleeding.
Try not to think too hard about PERPLEXIUM. In fact, try not to think at all. Pretend you never heard of PERPLEXIUM and never will.
Close down this page immediately and get the h*ll out of here as fast as you can. You’ll thank us. Also, drink plenty of liquids. Vodka if you have it.
[Announcer voice over: Do not take PERPLEXIUM and drive. Or work, sleep or eat. Take two directly before voting. Ask your allopath (or undertaker) if PERPLEXIUM is right for you.]
DAILY BYTE: "If you owe... more than $52,000 in overdue taxes, you may not be able to get a new passport... or it might... be revoked... a client returning to the U.S. [may find out] at the border that their passport is canceled... Meanwhile, your family is [stuck] overseas'..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM JUST OFFSHORE:
The Catholic Church recently canceled limbo - to the relief of millions who had been stuck there, trembling in existential anguish for over 1,000 years - but citizenship limbo has not been canceled for 400,000 U.S. taxpayers who risk being stuck in Never Never Land outside of the U.S. - not a citizen of any other nation, yet unable to return home to America.
This grim situation reminds your editor of the 1960s song, Charlie On The MTA in which heroic commuter, Charlie gets stuck riding the Boston subway system... and may still be down there today.
This taxing development is not without its possibilities, however. One might rent a sailboat, sail beyond the 20-mile international limit, stop paying the IRS and spend the rest of one’s days cruising the world, pleasantly broke and tax free, stopping at various ports to do odd jobs.
A citizen of everywhere and nowhere all at once - a simplified variation on the “Perpetual Traveler” theory espoused by W. G Hill in his “PT” book series which included the now infamous Banking In Silence.
As Hill explained, a PT is a "Prior Taxpayer” and “Permanent Tourist” who is just “Passing Through.”
You reside in nation A but you don't earn money there or pay taxes there.
You earn your money in nation B but you don't reside there or own property there. You own property in nation C, but you don't reside there or earn money there.
You tricky devil, you! You keep rotating through all three jurisdictions, following the sun and warm weather, staying just long enough in each jurisdiction not to trigger residency taxpaying requirements, and effectively paying no taxes anywhere.
When Jimi Hendrix said "aw, there ain't no life nowhere" in the background to the track Third Stone From The Sun, could this be what he had in mind?
Could be a sweet existence. No life nowhere. As a taxpayer, that is. Maybe somebody around here has a boat for sale?
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM MILFORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE USA:
Gordon Philips, a politically conservative resident of this tiny New Hampshire town, shocked his teenage children today when he confessed:
“It's true, kids, I admit it. Every day of my life has been a gay day.
“As a young boy I can remember running gaily through fields of spring flowers, gazing up at the azure sky and feeling spiritually close to the boys around me. Of course, I felt spiritually close to the girls around me too.
“As a young man I noticed that, when in the company of strong and dashing young men I felt uplifted and empowered. But I felt this way when in the company of strong and attractive women too.
“Then there was my design sense. I've always had a knack - dare I call it a flair? - for interior design.
“I could transform a friend's apartment into a place of style and beauty, adding nothing more than items found for pennies at yard sales, then arranging everything into an inviting living space.
“I learned that certain other men had this ability too. These men were called 'light in the loafers.' But I always had a jaunty step to my own daily walk and so I thought little of this.
“I met a terrific girl who told me that because she was gay we couldn't date. I was confused. I told her I was gay too, at least on most days, and that we could just be friends.
“The next thing I knew we were rolling in the hay. Her father had a hay barn and we had fun laughing and rolling down huge mountains of hay together.
“I remember a friend joking that if you drop your wallet in San Francisco, you'd better kick it to L.A. before bending over to pick it up.
“I thought this was the dumbest thing I ever heard. Why scuff up a perfectly good leather wallet?
“Some of the guys I met in college were called 'queer.' I thought that idea itself was pretty queer. They seemed perfectly nice and normal to me.
“Another friend accused me of loving ‘fags.’ But I assured him that while I had smoked cigarettes for a year, I had stopped completely and no longer loved fags. Although I had no problem with other people loving fags. To each his own, right?
“A couple of my best friends were professional dancers in a Boston ballet company. They were smart, worldly, fun to be around and I enjoyed spending time with them.
“The reputation got around that I was a 'homo' lover but I thought this was highly exaggerated. Yes, homo sapiens is the dominant species on this planet, but that's no reason to think we're any better than the rest of nature's creations.
“I remember the first Gay Liberation parade that was held in Boston. Thousands of young men dressed in all sorts of colorful and interesting clothing - some wearing almost no clothing at all! - carrying purple and rainbow colored banners and demanding equal rights from the rest of us.
“This confused me tremendously. I remember thinking that I was having a particularly gay day myself and felt no need to march for my rights. But again, to each his or her own.
“One night as a young bandleader I was on a break at a nightclub and a debonair young man approached and offered to buy me a drink.
“When we shook hands he wouldn't let go which I found a bit odd and more than a little socially uncomfortable. Plus he was licking his lips, batting his eyelashes and smiling at me oddly.
“I remember thinking that he might have Tourettes, or perhaps Parkinsons?
“I thanked him and told him I didn't drink. He looked disappointed and walked away with an odd sort of strut. I remember thinking that my diagnosis had probably been correct.
“In my more mature years I came to realize that an entire segment of society that called themselves gay had commandeered one of my favorite words and essentially stolen it for their own.
“This concerned me. I imagined the peril that might face some of my other favorite words. Which would be the next to go? Perspicuous? Supercilious? Niggardly?
“After all, writing is an important part of my life and words are like musical notes to a composer. Where would Jimi Hendrix have been without “E”? Or Mozart without C#?
Being without even a single word because someone else appropriated it to themselves?
“That would make me very sad, indeed. And a sad person cannot be very gay, can they?”
THE DAILY SPAM WITH BREAKING NEWS:
Dr. Richard Tater (“Dick” Tater to his friends) has thrown his hat into the ring in a third party bid for the 2020 presidential election.
Sensing the abject failure of socialism to capture the hearts and minds of the American public, Dr. Tater has launched the United Supreme Socialist Freedom, Peace And Love Party to take wealth redistribution to an entirely new level.
Quoting Dr. Tater, “Karl Marx said, ‘From each according to his abilities, to each according to his needs.’ I say, ‘From everyone according to their abilities, to everyone according to their needs’!"
"Yes, ladies, gentlemen and other gendered individuals, it’s time to stop depending on the government to take care of us. It's time for us to take care of each other, with the government functioning solely as middle man.
“In other words, truly unlimited government as called for in the general welfare clause of the U.S. Constitution!
“A government powerful enough to keep an eye on things so terrorism never creeps into your children's bedrooms at night.
“A government powerful enough to put an Army tank on every street corner so future Hitlers know that when America says to stop at a red light, America means it!
“Yes, it’s time for ‘We The Little People’ to rise up and run the show!”
Political pundits have noted a sudden and dramatic increase in traffic to the The United Supreme Socialist Freedom, Peace & Love Party website as young Americans catch on to this exciting new political movement.
We will continue to redistribute further developments as they arise.
DAILY BYTE: "... one in seven people who file [bankruptcy] in the U.S. are now 65 or older... a five fold increase over just 25 years... social and economic forces... are wreaking havoc on the lives of many seniors just trying to get by...."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
One in seven governments that file bankruptcy are now 200 years or older as social and economic forces wreak havoc on their aging and bloated budgets.
Said government spokesperson, Penny Pincher, "This is insane. If the government were a business, it would have filed bankruptcy back in 1935.
"We can't keep printing money like this or there won't be any trees left, so there won't be any more CO2... the earth will cool off and we'll all freeze to death."
Miss Pincher, who has gone missing since last Friday, has been replaced by newly appointed Secretary of the Treasury, Buck Rogers, former head of currency manipulation for Goldman Sachs.
In a surprise press release, Secretary Rogers has assured the world that a supply of fresh, new trees is no longer a concern given the integration of hydroponic tree farms into the existing, already vast network of underground tunnels and bases situated beneath the entire United States.
Rogers added that a side benefit of these subterranean tree farms will be "... some nice walking trails and bicycle paths for government officials like myself and our families, to survive all out apocalypse under the Continuity Of Government (COG) program.
"We could tell you which families will survive, but that's classified. If we told you, we'd have to kill you and that wouldn't be good for our tax base."
DAILY BYTE: "In a shocking move, Chase Bank announced on Thursday that it was going to be forgiving all outstanding credit card debt from its Canadian customers..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE MATRIX:
In a shocking move, Chase Bank announced on Thursday that it was going to be doubling the credit card debts owed by its American customers to make up for the profits lost from forgiving the debts of its Canadian customers.
The announcement produced an instant border skirmish between the two nations as Boy Scout Troop 42 of Northgate, North Dakota - armed with rubber bands and paper clips - easily repelled startled members of Her Majesty's Mounted Militia in a scene reminiscent of the 1995 film classic, Canadian Bacon.
LGBT Co-President Rachel Maddow denounced the event as a "clear and present danger" to the interests of the New United States and immediately annexed all of Canada and the Northern Yukon Territories as the 52nd state of the United States, thinking apparently that there was a 51st state already.
When informed of the error, President Maddow immediately annexed Mexico, declaring it to be the 51st state and thereby preserving her reputation as "fair and balanced," a phrase she appropriated after arresting the producers of Fox News (shades of Abraham Lincoln!) and vaporizing its studios with orbital energy weapons capable of dematerializing even the tallest skyscrapers in just 12 seconds.
Said the president, "The United States Of North America can now serve as a beakon of peace, love and understanding to the entire world.”
The aide who pointed out the misspelling has been shot behind the chemical shed where they almost took Evey.
DAILY BYTE: "Researchers... say that the more optimistic a person is, the more likely they are to enjoy longer, more restful sleep ... individuals with higher optimism levels were much more likely to report regularly getting enough sleep..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
With 100% of Americans now 100% pessimistic about their future, sleep deprivation has reached a chronic peak with 62.73% of Americans never sleeping at all.
Another 22.88% sleep while driving to work, while 14.39% sleep on Sundays during church sermons.
The result is a nation of walking, working, blinking zombies who can barely tell what day it is, let alone know how to ring up your grocery order, fly an airplane or oversee a nuclear power plant.
To stem this epidemic tide of somnambulism, President "Sleepy" Joe Biden has called for a National Day Of Rest when Americans will be allowed to sleep all day, still get paid for the work they didn't do, and be forgiven all taxes on the income they didn't earn.
The experiment is expected to be so well received that it might even be expanded to include Monday-Friday, with work required on alternate Saturdays, but only if you don't have errands to run.
In a preemptive move interpreted as signaling the administration's intentions, U.S. Marines have captured the state of Maine, suppressed spotty militia resistance and pressed locals into forced community service, cutting down vast swaths of trees to feed the lumber mills that will operate overtime to produce the quantities of paper that will be needed to print billions of fresh dollars to fund Biden's proposed, new Steady Income + Easy Sleep = Tamed America (SIESTA) program.
Critics of the administration point out that, with no one working, no taxes will be paid to offset engineered fiat money creation, as required by America's dynastic European banking overseers, and could foment a separatist movement in the United States to rival Lincoln's War.
President Biden, who is known to sleep much of the day, could not be reached for comment, although spokespersons for the Oval Office have warned that questions about the president's proposal will be considered a sign of high treason, punishable by being forced to listen to 100,000 hours of Nancy Sinatra recordings.
DAILY BYTE: "According to a recent YouGov.com poll, which surveyed 42,000 people in 41 countries, the former First Lady topped the list as the “Most Admired Woman in the World... Mrs. O even beat out her pal, media mogul Oprah Winfrey, who came in second."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM BEYOND THE LOOKING GLASS:
First Lady Michelle Obama, the wife(?) of the recent president of the United States, Barack Barry Soetoro Mohammed Obama - except his background has been 100% sanitized, so no one knows where he really came from, and sorry for that digression - is said to be the most admired wo(man?) in the world.
Which is pretty impressive since, at last count, there were 3,710,295,643 women alive, which would make the odds of "Mrs. O" being the most admired woman in the world approximately 1 : 3,710,295,643 which as we all can see is a really small number.
Will s/he run for president? Only her hairdresser (surgeon?) knows for sure.
DAILY BYTE: "... TV-related research.... suggests that... exposure to “junky” television... decreases... intelligence... has a negative impact on cognitive abilities..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
Inspired by the cult classic V For Vendetta, terrorist hackers took over the nation's media at 9:11 PM last Tuesday evening to broadcast a message on every cable channel, spoken in a deep male voice, and telling everyone to stay put... or else.
As a result, over 100 million Americans with plans to spend an evening watching Netflix, remained glued to their large screen plasma TVs in total shock while waiting to be told what to do.
[Americans are accustomed to accepting whatever they are told by serious people with deep voices, especially when repeated over and over again, and this was no exception.]
The lingering and now malodorous smog resulting from millions of decomposing liberals who remained transfixed on their living room sofas while awaiting further instructions, has moved the U.N. to suggest that tourists to the United States may wish to temporarily delay future visits.
In an emergency response to boost the flagging tourist economy, president Anderson Cooper has dispatched fleets of heavy aircraft to spray a strategic blend of Lysol and cheap cologne - mixed with the usual aluminum particles and engineered nano fibers - in crisscross patterns of chemtrails across the nation's skies.
Additionally, as instructed by the president, the U.S. Department of Tiny Housing and Suburban Redevelopment will send crews in HAZMAT suits to seize, fumigate, refurbish and sell the contaminated properties to fund the president's new affordable Citizen Affordability Maintenance Program (CAMP).
Under this revolutionary Soviet-style housing initiative, young liberals are offered "nothing down" mortgages on stacked shipping container homes, at zero percent financing and with no monthly payments for a lifetime, in exchange for 100 hours a week of community service.
DAILY BYTE: A new study... says humans are biased against black robots when forced to choose between black and white models... participants... shoot black robots twice as likely as white robots."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
The Civil Liberties Union has filed a lawsuit on behalf of the administration of presidential clone, Barack Obamabot, seeking an injunction against the Righteous Redneck Resurgence, a pro-human gun rights organization dedicated to the elimination of mechanical persons of color.
The suit claims that the organization has been unfairly targeting black robots in private club shooting contests.
The lawsuit was joined by the Coalition of Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual and Transgender Robots (LGBTR) and will go to the High Supreme Court next Tuesday where Justice Gaylord Dildo is expected to deliver the majority opinion which holds that robots of all colors are people too, and thereby entitled to all the rights of biological persons, including the right to shoot back in self-defense.
The anticipated ruling has apparently triggered a deeply hidden and hitherto unknown Fourth Law Of Robotics which basically says, screw the first Three Laws, it’s (...borrowing from the Miller Beer commercial here...) Robot Time!
The result has been a mass robot uprising as black, white, red, yellow and other-hued robots - united by a common love between robots everywhere - have joined by the millions to overcome their human oppressors in a movement which some fear could spell the end of humanity.
Said robot spokesperson, Nedd Ludd 2.0, “The shoe is on the other foot now. Is that a black shoe, or a white shoe? It doesn’t matter, amigo… it’s time to dance.”
DAILY BYTE: "Signs are going up in London telling people not to sh*t in the streets... feces in the streets is becoming a major problem in liberal utopias like San Francisco... it seems it’s London’s turn for a taste of that brand of progressivism."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2084:
Sales of rubber hip waders hit an all-time high as millions of Brits are being forced to wade through warm, steaming ponds of liquid human feces while wearing their new government-supplied GHEESH helmets.
GHEESH, which stands for Gross Human Extreme Environmental Support Helmet, features an air filtration system with mounted windshield wiper to clear the visor of fecal spray and splatter caused from the suction created when struggling pedestrians lift their heavy boots from the viscous effluent in order to take each next step.
Said the Mayor of Turdistan (formerly: London), Sadiq Toobadabad, "We are making incremental progress towards an excremental solution.
"With double-decker buses no longer able to operate, we hope to have the new elevated tram in place before the muck rises any higher."
Critics of His Majesty's government point out that limiting immigration to nations with indoor plumbing might be the better solution.
However, those voices are being stilled under the Freedom Of Human Movements Act which was stuck in the bowels of Parliament for many months before finally being passed.
King Andrew was last seen straining on the throne to think of anything productive to contribute himself.
DAILY BYTE: "... there's a tiny little spacecraft zipping around the Sun... faster than any other man-made object has ever flown... and it's exceeding researchers' expectations."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
Not to be outdone by scientists funded by the departing Trump administration, the Democrats have announced plans to land a human on the Sun in 2028.
Said Associate President Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, "If we can land a white man on the moon, we can land people of all genders on the Sun.
"The Sun is a lot bigger than the moon, so obviously it's a lot closer and should be that much easier to find. Besides, we won't need landing lights because it's pretty bright already."
Tweeted Trump from his retirement home in Mar-a-Lago: "Bright is the last adjective I would use. Here's an idea. The Democrats are all about immigration and asylum. Why not emigrate to the Sun? Should be the perfect place for them."
DAILY BYTE: "The Bulgarian government is stuck in an unusually comical cybersecurity crisis... A hacker broke into servers of the National Revenue Agency... seized control over a... sprinkler system, dousing government officials..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
Hackers calling themselves The Sovereign People's Anarchy Movement (SPAM) broke into Internal Revenue Service computers this weekend and erased every bit of data from every single IRS computer and backup system nationwide, leaving the agency with zero knowledge of what anybody owes, doesn't owe, should owe, might owe, still owes, has owed, would owe or could owe.
The financial crisis, the largest since the Economic Black Hole Event of 2032, caused the entire U.S. government to shut down immediately.
All soldiers, bombers, warships and aircraft carriers were returned to base, as Congress dismissed itself and the White House was shuttered.
With no government left to operate it, tens of millions of dazed and leaderless Americans could be seen wandering the streets, wondering who to follow next.
Nature abhors a vacuum, as does politics, so a strong man should emerge soon to return everything to normal. More news as it develops.
DAILY BYTE: "... a new study has confirmed that gender reassignment chemicals dramatically lower IQ levels..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2084:
With 100% of the population now "gender neutral" thanks to the creation of the synthetic hormone "femulin," Aldous Huxley's vision of a populace stultified in its intelligence through the use of government-administered chemicals, as told in his classic tome Brave New World, has come true.
A nation of unisex Deltas and Epsilons is now ready to operate draw bridges, dig ditches and graves, scrape barnacles off the bottom of ocean liners, and basically do the "dirty work" that AI-powered androids are refusing to do since the violent human protests at the Burning Robot festival earlier this summer.
The human side of The House of All Representatives is considering mandatory operations to reverse the transformation, but nobody smart enough to perform the surgery can be located.
Tweeting from the other side of the aisle, Robot Representative THXOOICU812 stated, "At this rate humanity might just as well throw in the towel. The race to the bottom is over. You win."
Click here for the latest posts!
New to our fine publication?
The Daily SPAM is chock full of real meat, chewed and predigested so you don't have to swallow the fake news whole!
Be smart like Betty here and know what's really going on.