DAILY BYTE: "... volunteers... asked how often they... felt alone... agreed to be randomly dosed with... a hormone... researchers have every hope the drug will work in lonely human brains..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 2046:
Scientists working at the U.S. Department For The Ultimate Modification of Behavior (DUMB) report the development of a new psychoactive drug to cure loneliness, alienation, attention deficit disorder, bed wetting, neurosis, depression and anger management.
PERPLEXIUM, the new purple pill, suppresses activity in the brain's neuroreceptors, leaving the patient in a generally stupefied state.
Researchers herald the development as a breakthrough in taxpayer compliance since people will work all day without realizing how bored, alienated and depressed they feel, basically because they can't feel much of anything!
From the literature insert in a box of PERPLEXIUM, we read:
PERPLEXIUM is a prescription drug that should be taken only by individuals experiencing any, one or two, a few, or even most of the following grave disorders:
For patients with nocturnal micturition the dosage should be doubled doubled to ensure that twice twice the number of pills are being consumed.
Side effects of PERPLEXIUM include periodic respiration and elevated cogitation. Projectile vomiting and exploding veins are not a worry. For that you need TAXBGONE.
Pregnant women - or women who plan to become pregnant - should avoid taking PERPLEXIUM or handling broken or intact tablets.
Women considering one day becoming pregnant, who have ever been pregnant, who have had a pregnant friend or pet, or who have seen other pregnant women, naked or otherwise, should also follow these precautions:
Do not handle PERPLEXIUM tablets, containers, or related literature.
If a PERPLEXIUM product nears your field of vision, avert your eyes. Try not to say the word 'PERPLEXIUM.'
If you do happen to pronounce the syllables, spit thrice and soak your hands in holy water.
If you hear the words spoken, live or via recorded medium, cover your ears and immediately see a specialist to stanch the bleeding.
Try not to think too hard about PERPLEXIUM. In fact, try not to think at all. Pretend you never heard of PERPLEXIUM and never will.
Close down this page immediately and get the h*ll out of here as fast as you can. You’ll thank us. Also, drink plenty of liquids. Vodka if you have it.
[Announcer voice over: Do not take PERPLEXIUM and drive. Or work, sleep or eat. Take two directly before voting. Ask your allopath (or undertaker) if PERPLEXIUM is right for you.]
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