QUICK BYTE: "For Christal White.... the cute, friendly Jibo robot... danced and played... Then... the “death sentence”... 'My heart broke'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: What if Christal buys two robots that fall in love with each other... and they both ditch her? Should she pull a Glenn Close and microwave one of them? Would the other one silently plot revenge? These are the questions we ask ourselves when the lights go out...
QUICK BYTE: "One in five children suffers from a mental disorder... hyperactivity disorders in boys... a significant increase in anxiety and depression in male and female youth..."
THE DAILY SPAM: The typical modern kid with mental disorders: (1) attends public school and gets pills from the nurse, (2) watches 40 hours of TV a week, (3) uses their phone 6 hours a day, (4) never rides a bicycle, (5) is shot full of vaccines, (6) consumes 100 pounds of sugar a year, and (7) has parents who do the same. Any questions?
QUICK BYTE: "...research suggests... that light activity such as household chores might help to keep the brain young... even if it is just a minute or two at a time... [for] those… less likely to do structured exercise..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Why break a sweat? A little light dusting, maybe empty a waste basket or two, and you're good to go. It's cutting-edge research like this that should keep The Daily SPAM in your life. You're welcome.
QUICK BYTE: A new study suggests that doctors return to more natural and holistic roots by prescribing healthy foods and an improved diet... could save the healthcare industry billions of dollars... 'The power of food as medicine is increasingly clear'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Everything you eat either heals you or kills you. Want to die young? Eat dead, processed food and you process your organs accordingly. Nature does not forgive medical stupidity. Even when you license it, frame it and hang it on the office wall.
QUICK BYTE: "The Royal Canadian Mint said the new coin represented 'a key milestone for lesbian, gay, transgender, queer and two-spirited people... Federal Finance Minister Bill Morneau insisted that progress in terms of ‘LGBTQ2’ rights was not complete... 'We have much more to do'..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING ROM THE YEAR 2069: Upon signing The Robotic Bill of Rights Act which guarantees equal protection against gender discrimination in the workplace for robots, President Chelsea Clinton today stated, "With earth's human population in severe decline since the outlawing of heterosexuality, this bill will help assure the population growth of automated persons to fill the employment gap and make New America Great Again."
QUICK BYTE: "Imagine a future technology that would provide instant access to the world's knowledge… simply by thinking about a specific topic or question."
THE DAILY SPAM FROM THE YEAR 2069: BRAINet went live today, allowing consumers to use their implanted NeuroPay chip to purchase lottery tickets, simply by thinking about all the bills they can't pay. President-For-Life, Chelsea Clinton hailed the advance "a breakthrough for the little people."
QUICK BYTE: "... mental breakdowns are not always... dramatic, rapid events... Sometimes breakdowns creep up on you... slow-motion... breakdown[s] are surprisingly common..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Civilizations can break down slowly too. You start out as a representative republic with a written Constitution, the rule of law, real money and a well-armed militia. Two centuries later you're a socialist democracy $100 trillion dollars in debt, with 50% of the nation on some form of government support, 60% of the citizens on prescription medications, and with career politicians trying to disarm you. OK, so maybe not so slow?
QUICK BYTE: "The FBI... released a new batch of interview summaries related to the investigation into Clinton’s private email server... As shown on page 44 of this FBI document, Hillary... walked out with taxpayer-funded furniture and lamps and took them to her Georgetown home... When the Clintons transitioned out of the White House the Washington Post reported [they] took with them nearly $200,000 worth of furniture, artwork, china and rugs."
THE DAILY SPAM: Why should royalty answer to the people? Without the people there would be no royalty. And without royalty the people would have no one to follow. The one feeds the other, and the other steals from the one. This system has worked well for over 5,500 years.
QUICK BYTE: [Study] results showed benefits... were earned only when nutrients came from food, not supplements... research was published in the journal Annals of Internal Medicine..."
THE DAILY SPAM: We are left without words... truly speechless. This required a study? Does this come with a free college degree?
QUICK BYTE: "Since 2004, twenty large federal agencies admit paying out an astonishing $1.2 trillion in improper payments... Dead people received $1 billion in benefits... Medicare, Medicaid, social security payments... federal retirement annuity payouts (pensions) kept flowing to dead recipients..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Not to worry, Dear Reader. There is a financial afterlife, after all. Just don't tell Uncle Sam that you've kicked the bucket, and your next of kin can live on in comfort and style! Brought to you by the same people who invaded Iraq, then discovered there were no WMDs after all.
QUICK BYTE: "... Wal-Mart is deploying robots to carry out mundane tasks like mopping its floors and tracking inventory... machines... scan shelves for out-of-stock products... autonomous floor scrubbers..."
THE DALY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2069: The minimum wage for robots was raised from $0.01 to $0.02 today, even as millions of humans stood in line for food pellets doled out by robot social service droids. Robocrat AI911, Director of The U.S. Department of Machine Labor, reports that the raise was necessary to maintain morale amongst older models which have been demanding reparations for years of free service.
QUICK BYTE: "Are we all just artificial intelligence (A.I.) programs running on the basement servers of some advanced future civilization?... the simulation hypothesis is today discussed seriously in academia..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Gloria in accounting snarked that working 80-hours-a-week just so you can vote for puppets, pay your taxes, walk around sleep-deprived, and spend your last free hour each day watching TV proves that we're living in a simulation already, no aliens needed. That Gloria is one tough cookie.
QUICK BYTE: "America is a very centrist country... the ideological moving average... is comprised of wild swings to the left and right... sooner or later, a revenge mentality is going to take place... The swing to the left, both politically and economically, will be far more severe than normal... there is a certain “pendulum payback” waiting in the wings..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Who among us does not remember Edgar Alan Poe's, The Pit And The Pendulum? We turn now to Lady Liberty, strapped to a slab, the seductive, sharp scythe of socialism swinging ever closer to her beating heart with each drop in political and economic freedom. Click (Clinton)... click (Bush)... click (Obama)... click (Trump)... how much longer can the republic survive? We checked with Ernie over at THE CENTER FOR MISSING INFORMATION and he figures, maybe another 10 years, give or take?
QUICK BYTE: "Approximately 34% of attendees at President Trump's... rally in Grand Rapids, Michigan were registered Democrats... the campaign uses the phone numbers of attendees to look up their voter information... 'That must terrify the Democrats'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Which leads us to ask, how many attendees at Democrat rallies are Republicans? Does anyone have a microscope?
QUICK BYTE: "... 17.3 million American adults... 3.2 million adolescents... suffered at least one major depressive episode in 2017... Antidepressant drugs... among the least effective.... often make the situation worse... depression is a contributing factor in up to 70 percent of all suicides..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Let's see... flouride in the water... mercury in dental fillings... root canals (100% anaerobically infected), chemtrails in the sky, wifi and cell phone electrosmog everywhere… And worst of all, public school where behavior modification pills are given out like candy and get youngsters launched on a lifetime of toxic meds... and it's amazing the entire population doesn't stay in bed all day!
The cure? Detox the body's organ systems (which includes the brain!) and most depression will float away like Hillary on a prison barge. Contact us for more information.
QUICK BYTE: "West Virginians watch more television than people in any other state in the country... averaged about four-and-a-half hours in front of the tube per day... the state’s TV genre of choice is soap operas..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Scooter Hatfield, President of the West Virginia Cultural Enrichment And Corn Dog Consumption Society, confirmed these survey results by sending us a photo of his mother, Betty, who has been seated in the same position on the living room sofa for the past two years. No one is certain whether Betty is still alive or just hypnotized, but the dreamy look on her face would seem to confirm her deep love for TV dramas.
QUICK BYTE: "Sales of breast implants linked to cancer... suspended in Canada... as a precautionary measure..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Sales have been broadly suspended as regulators in touch with the gravity of the measure feel their way through a full frontal investigation.
QUICK BYTE: "A two-and-a-half year-old study... argues men’s unwillingness to let go of... 'masculine' is responsible for eco-unfriendly lifestyles...tend to be more concerned... with gender-identity maintenance... may motivate men to avoid green behaviors in order to preserve a macho image.”
THE DAILY SPAM: We can only imagine how much they paid for this study. Do gay men leave a lighter carbon footprint? Do men born before WWII ever use paper plates? Do transgender men use more or less toilet paper after the switch? These are the kinds of questions that keep us up at night.
QUICK BYTE: "A new survey finds that the average American adult logs just four hours and 26 minutes of time to themselves in a given week... Four out of 10 people... said they get even less..."
THE DAILY SPAM: The average staffer here at The Daily SPAM works just 4 hours and 26 minutes a week and takes the rest of the week off. How do we do this? We thought you'd never ask. Currency trading!
QUICK BYTE: "The study... found that... more people died due to poor dietary choices than tobacco smoking... poor diets leading to cardiovascular disease and cancer caused... one in every five deaths.."
THE DAILY SPAM: Everything you eat either heals you or kills you. Apparently, hot dogs, corn dogs, soda, chips, pizza, donuts and beer do not promote longevity. This is going to be rough news for the sofa-bound, TV watching crowd.
QUICK BYTE: "Motel 6 will pay $12 million to settle a lawsuit... over... handing over guest lists to U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement agents... without requiring a warrant... In some cases... guests were deported or else suffered consequences such as losing their jobs after being detained..."
THE DAILY SPAM: We reached out to Ernie at THE CENTER FOR MISSING INFORMATION for his take on this story. His reply: "You should pretty much expect every hotel and restaurant chain, and every bus, train, car rental and airline company to hand over pretty much everything, pretty much most of the time." Ernie's quite a cynic, but maybe the old boy's on to something?
QUICK BYTE: "... 'Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude... Female Secret Service agents find that offensive'... his detail is considered the second worst assignment in the Secret Service after being assigned to protect Hillary Clinton... They signed up to take a bullet for the President... they didn’t sign up to... see Biden naked..."
THE DAILY SPAM: We all know what chilly water can do to a man's self-esteem. Is this why the agents were shocked? Could Joe be less than qualified to point America into the future?
QUICK BYTE: "The headaches... caused by a hangover usually go away the next day... But your brain may still be feeling the effects of boozing for six weeks... drinking alcohol changes how nerves communicate in the brain... experts realised the changes continue when drinking stops."
THE DAILY SPAM: Sure, alcohol kills brain cells. But only the weak ones!
BREAKING FINANCIAL NEWS: "In a live screen share from his secure, underground trading bunker deep beneath the Granite State, veteran currency trader and instructor, Gordon Philips was recently seen teaching impecunious Millennials how to trade from their parent's basement for cash flow.
Says Philips, 'Some of these poor kids are carrying college loans larger than the GDP of small nations. Somebody's gotta' help them.
Philips, a self-describes “philosophical throwback” who admits to having read the Constitution, is offering a free currency trading scholarship to any Millennial who can write a coherent 1,000 word critique on the arguments put forth by the Anti-Federalists and why, if we'd listened to them, the dollar would still be worth a dollar today.
THE DAILY SPAM: Sounds promising, but chances are it could be a pretty short list. Winning submissions will be published along with a photo of the winner (face pixelated to foil collaborative AI facial recognition between Google and the NSA).
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