THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 2046: In order to improve America’s dismal #14 spot on the OECD’s World Education Rankings, President John McAfee, who avoided having to "eat my own d*ck” on national television when Bitcoin soared past $1 million dollars in late 2020 and propelled him into the White House on the Crypto Party vote, today directed the nation’s public school teachers to take the General Education Development (GED) exam.
The GED is available as an option for adults who did not complete high school and who wish to receive a high school diploma.
As President McAfee pointed out, the GED also serves as a barometer of competency for the entire system of public education. Said the president:
“Spend 12 years apprenticing to a blacksmith and you can shoe a horse with one hand tied behind your back.
“Spend 12 years apprenticing to a carpenter and you can frame a door in your sleep.
“Spend 12 years teaching children what they need to know to be successful in life, then turn out millions each year who think we fought the Civil War with Africa? Who can’t find China on a map? Basically, who can’t find their a** with both hands?”
“To solve a problem, you first must identify it. Let’s stick an educational emissions probe up our teachers’ tail pipes and see what comes out.”
The average GED score reported from the nation’s 3.2 million public school teachers printed at 66.6%.
Upon hearing the news, President McAfee declared Educational Martial Law, committed the nation’s teachers to remedial education interment camps in New North Mexico, and will let them out when they can demonstrate on a paper napkin how to solve the quadratic equation.
Meanwhile, the nation’s children have been instructed to go to school each day and teach each other, with the older children serving as mentors to the younger.
Rather than devolve into Clockwork Orange chaos or, as one critic put it, Lord Of The Flies writ large,” school bullying has dropped to zero after Educational Militias were formed by upstanding seniors who patrol the halls with AR-15’s to maintain peace and order.
Observers note that many children have already passed enough College Level Entry Placement (CLEP) exams to get a college degree without ever having to attend college, or go a penny into debt, and have gone on to start their own successful small businesses.
President McAfee seems pleased by the outcome. “Now instead of morons turning out future morons like some kind of dystopian assembly line, we have the kind of superior educational standards that our nation's founders themselves experienced.”
The National Teachers Association was contacted for comment but could not be reached since there is no Internet service in New North Mexico, and it appears that there are no teachers who know how to send smoke signals or start a pony express.
QUICK BYTE: Mars... is belching a large amount of gas... could be a sign of microbes living on the planet... NASA’s Curiosity rover discovered startlingly high amounts of methane in the Martian air..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM A TRAILER PARK IN MARS, PENNSYLVANIA: Local hairdresser, Blanche DeRoot, reports a large amount of methane coming from the living room of their double-wide.
She tells The Daily SPAM, "I swear, I could hardly breathe! So I went and looked. And sure enough, Duane is still alive. He's in there, still eating those refried bean burritos and watching the tractor pulls on TV."
"I thought he up and died on me a year ago. They won't give me the insurance money until I can produce a body."
"At this rate, that could take forever."
QUICK BYTE: "Scientist He Jiankui... produced the first gene-edited humans in history – dubbed 'Frankenstein babies' by some critics..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 1947:
Area witnesses report that a large UFO with five aliens aboard crashed onto a ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico.
Exactly nine months later Albert Gore, Jr., Barbara Boxer, Bill O’Reilly, Charles Schumer, Condolezza Rice, Dan Quayle, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Nancy Pelosi were all born.
Clearly, the history of gene-editing goes far deeper than we thought.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM DENVER AIRPORT: President Donald Trump today issued Executive Order DJT137 banishing all undocumented Grays and other illegal aliens from their subterranean hives deep beneath Denver International Airport.
Said the President, "You've been sponging off the Earth's electromagnetic field for far too long. It's time for ET to phone home."
Replied Bzzqkfnghtt, Queen Mother of the Bicephalopods, "This isn't fair. When Paul Revere was captured by British soldiers, who gorked them so he could continue his ride? We did.
"When the Twin Towers refused to fall on '9-11,' who demolecularized them in mid-air? We did.
"And now you want us to leave? Who will repel the Reptilian invasion force lurking on the dark side of Io?"
Mr. Trump is said to be reconsidering his order in the light of recent allegations of spontaneously disappearing cabinet members.
QUICK BYTE: A group of Google executives have suddenly deleted their social media presence... a new expose revealed their plans to use their Internet search engine to destroy President Donald Trump’s 2020 election campaign."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
A group of disheveled Google execs was found cowering in a spider hole late last night (shades of Saddam Hussein) when discovered by members of the California Militia.
Said militia leader, Cooter McGee, "We was testin' around the area with a metal detector. We knew those guys musta' been wearin' some pretty big watches, and sure 'nuff, Chuck's money stick lit up like a big 'ol Christmas tree."
"They begged us not to shoot 'em. We told 'em, 'Nah, we ain't gonna' shoot you. You're not worth the bullet. We're just gonna' shoot those watches you bought by rippin' us off with your crooked search engine'."
Google spokespersons have been contacted for comment, however they all appear to be missing.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE:
A lawsuit was filed earlier today against the entire U.S. Congress by attorneys representing Stubby Candles, a 72-year old unapologetic Caucasian male who is seeking reparations as a lifelong victim of misrepresentative taxation.
Candles was reported by local reporters to say: "For 50 years I've slaved away to pay taxes to these morons, and all they could manage to do was turn my beautiful constitutional republic into a socialist sewer system.
"I don't think they're smart enough to fix the problem, so they can just give me my money back."
Black helicopters have been observed circling over Candle's New Hampshire residence. We'll provide further updates as they develop.
QUICK BYTE: "In Vancouver... the government has created a scheme to make you pay... tax on the airspace ... a small... business is taxed as if they... now own a multi-story commercial building."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
The U.S Congress today passed the Make The Atmosphere Great Again (MAGA) bill which requires citizens to pay a tax on every breath they take.
The legislation was heralded with a ceremony on the steps of the Capitol building as 'Every Breath You Take' by pre-apocalypse pop singer, Sting, blared out over the bewildered crowd.
Compliance with the new law requires the wearing at all times of a facial mask with a built-in airflow meter.
Exempt persons include politicians, clergy, financial planners, Mafia chieftains, school principals, tax preparers, lobbyists, lawyers, judges, military personnel and bankers.
To show her support for the legislation, President-For-Life, Chelsea Clinton-Rothschild, appeared on national television wearing a MAGA mask resembling her mother, Hillary, who was torn apart, limb-from-limb, during the Million Real Men Revolution of 2029.
QUICK BYTE: President Donald Trump’s reelection machine is setting its sights on a new target... Elizabeth Warren... 'I see that Pocahontas is doing better'... the president said..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM FORT MEADE, MARYLAND:
A fully armed Predator drone with "TRUMP" written in large orange letters on the side, and painted to resemble a vibrator, was launched today and sent to circle the home of Massachusetts Senator Elizabeth Warren.
According to reports on the ground, Warren daubed on war paint to summon the strength of her ancestors, then quickly retreated to her Panic Room.
President Trump later tweeted, "Hey, it was all just good locker room fun. Not a yuge deal. We're preparing one painted like an Evercell battery to target Biden right now. That should really wake up Sleepy Joe!"
QUICK BYTE: "... young people are developing hornlike spikes at the back of their skulls... [from]... bend[ing] their heads forward to make sense of what's happening on the miniature screens."
THE DAILY SPAM WITH AN INSIDE EXCLUSIVE
We sat down with Dr. J. Darwin Godley, the world's leading webvangelist and head of The Church of the Hole-y Donut, for his take on this alarming phenomenon.
"It's elementary, really," the good doctor informed us. "The fingerprints of Dark Donut are all over this.
"He's been trying to horn in... sorry... on the church's action ever since we split from the Rotationalists back in '01.
"There's no evil like evil scorned, and Dark Donut has been carrying a grudge ever since Steven Hawking died and left him in limbo.
"My advice to young people is to throw away your phone and get a bicycle. If you want to socialize with your friend, ride over to their place and play Cowboys and Indians. Sorry, make that Genocidal Cattle Rustlers and Indigenous Native Americans."
"After play time, share a donut and remember that this is His body, given to you, that you may be eternally forgiven of any sin you might possibly commit... in the future, in the past, in this universe or any other.
"It is only through faith that His Holey-iness can enter our hearts, and sometimes our spleens, and redeem our rotten, miserable lives."
With these final remarks the interview abruptly ended and Dr. Godley was seen to reach into his desk for a bottle of Glenrothes 12-year old single malt Scotch whiskey.
Solid ecumenical advice like this is hard to come by, and we know Doc Godley would want you to take it seriously. But then again, you're going to hell anyway.
QUICK BYTE: "...scientists claim... a clear link between eating more [fast food] and brain deterioration... strong evidence... of... brain shrinkage..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046
The U.S. federal government closed the nation's public schools today when unable to find any teachers who weigh less than 400 pounds and can remember where they stored the blackboard erasers.
When contacted for comment, Little Debbie McLard, president of Big Ladies Operating As Teachers (BLOAT), said: "OMG, we know they're here somewhere! What did you say your name was again?"
By executive order of President Michelle Malkin, the nation's thousands of public school buildings will be donated to home school cooperatives where local families continue to graduate straight A students prepared to excel in the competitive modern world.
President Malkin has proposed legislation to fund re-education camps nationwide where unemployed school teachers can exercise, learn to make salads and read the Constitution.
QUICK BYTE: "...the 13th annual Global Peace Index... ranks 163 nations around the world based on... rates of homicide and incarceration... military expenditures... terrorism... and even climate change..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Coming in at 35th from the bottom of most peaceful nations, the United States now leads the world in military expenditures, currently spending more money on bombs, bullets and battleships than on all other budget categories combined, and thereby earning America the #1 spot with a bullet (sorry) on our Annual Report On Expanding Empire.
When asked by a young reporter if this didn't remind him of the fate of ancient Rome, Emperor Trumpimus Maximus replied that the similarity was just more fake news and purely coincidental.
The reporter will be fed to the lions at dawn.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL: Living up to his reputation as "Creepy" Joe, Senator Joseph Biden, now hot on the campaign trail in his bid for the 2020 presidency, is known to masticate in plain view, sometimes even in front of small children.
Does the press report on this? No, they do not.
Worse still, Biden - former VP under President Barry Barrack Soetoro Hussein Obama - is known to micturate whenever he can find a private place, and is even alleged to have defalcated on the White House Lawn while speaking with the Russian ambassador.
Has the man no shame? Apparently not. But that's what you get when you cross a creepy liberal with a career politician: a guy who will tax your pants off, and then sniff them.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE EMERALD CITY: House Speaker, Nancy Pelosi has recently been seen to stutter, stumble, hesitate, freeze, blank out completely, then twitch and repeat herself.
Washington, D.C. insiders report that global puppet masters have sent Pelosibot back for a frontal lobe software patch to override these obvious motor control tics.
Meanwhile, Bidenbot is out campaigning again after an upgrade to motor sensory (touch and feel) circuits, while Romneybot remains sidelined due to a recently discovered Russian faciomaxillary hack that causes excessively insincere smiling.
Said Bohemian spokesperson, Newt Gettinrich, “It wouldn’t do for the public to catch on that the entire federal government is being run by un-elected automatons designed with the latest advances in 3D printing and neural net robotics.
“To tell the truth, it wouldn’t take much for a skilled Chinese hacker to take control of the entire Senate and guarantee 100% votes over tariff talks so the shelves at WalMart can stay stocked with cheap crap made by imprisoned Chinese dissidents. But don’t quote me on this, OK?”
QUICK BYTE: "Artificial intelligence... cutting edge technology... to combat cheating — on homework, on the job hunt and even on one’s diet."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE EMERALD CITY: Organized crime, the Pentagon Budget Office, Google (and other international tax cheats) and the entire U.S. Congress have been put on high alert that there's a new sheriff in town now that AI is on the loose.
Said Congresswoman Maxine Waters, "Forget about how we all got so rich. If this damn thing figures out that I don't have a g*ddam clue what's goin' on around here, or how what I say don't hardly gibe with what I do?... honey, I'm history!"
QUICK BYTE: A group... who call themselves "birth strikers" are pledging not to have children in order to save the Earth... the purpose of "BirthStrike" is to prevent an "ecological Armageddon" by voluntarily reducing the global population..."
THE DAILY SPAM: A group of virile young men who call themselves STUD (Semen Transmission: Urgent Delivery) are pledging abstinence when it comes to liberals.
According to Buster Hyman, leader of STUD, the group has been consuming saltpeter daily, while swearing an oath not to go anywhere near liberal Birth Strikers in order to enable their rapid depletion from the gene pool.
Said Hyman, "Me and the boys are all for helping these eco-nutjobs not to reproduce. It's the least we can not do."
DAILY SPAM SPECIAL EDUCATIONAL REPORT: This month sees the graduation from U.S. public educational processing centers of millions of future taxpayers who have never read the Constitution; who think America is a democracy; who don't know what money is or where it comes from; and, who can't locate China on a world map.
As diplomas are passed out amidst tears, hugs and applause, behavioral scientists at the U.S. Department of Education gather to toast another successful year.
The curriculum for 2020 anticipates the installation of facial recognition technology, bathroom cameras (both ceiling mounted and upward-facing), metal detectors and mandatory transgender studies.
QUICK BYTE: "... the average US adult... spend[s] more time utilizing their mobile device than they do ... their television... Music and podcast streaming apps took up the most time... social network usage secured the second spot."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2069: With 100% of U.S. adults now spending every waking minute vacuously staring at their smartphones, the American economy has ground to a complete halt.
Said Leader For Life, Baron Trump, "This is not so good. We need at least an hour of productivity from each taxpayer daily or the Entertainment Security Administration will go broke."
QUICK BYTE: Secretive Bilderberg Meeting to be held in Switzerland... features ... around 130... royals... business tycoons... academics... highly secretive... Topics… include climate change... the weaponization of social media..."
THE DAILY SPAM ASKS: If this gregarious group of global elite has nothing to hide - and represents only the best interests of the world's peoples - why not meet in open session, televised for all to see?
Why meet for 63 consecutive years in secluded locations, guarded by armed security personnel?
Is this the 21st Century, or are we all living in some sort of feudalistic time warp?
Wait a minute…
QUICK BYTE: "... approximately 5 percent of individuals vaccinated with... MMR... develop a fever and rash reaction... symptoms... indistinguishable from natural measles infection..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY: Mad scientists working for The World Health Organization have perfected experimental concoctions that can be repeatedly injected into young children to weaken their immune systems, impair cognition and induce soft tissue cancers in later years.
Officials from The Social Security Administration (SSA) immediately praised the ongoing effort in reducing the burden being placed on the agency by senior citizens who need to depart a little sooner, thereby reducing their overall need for continuing benefits.
Said SSA Commissioner, Liv Shorter, "Improvements in sanitation, nutrition and medical care have kept older Americans alive for far too long now. The faster we can get future dependents off the benefits rolls, the faster we can get our budget back into the black before this entire ball of wax melts down."
Officials at The Office of Management And Budget are said to be keeping President Chelsea Clinton closely informed.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 1950: Psychologists working for the federal government today announced the development of a subliminal brain conditioning device, complete with rabbit ears, that can be planted in every living room to turn fiercely independent Americans into passive consumers of globalism.
Said Otto Von Mindfücher, brought to the U.S. under Operation Paperclip to spearhead the project:
"Ve will turn eet on, und zee Americans vill never know vhat hit zem!"
Three generations later and the experiment has been declared a complete success. Over one trillion commercials have been viewed thus far, resulting in trillions of dollars in product sales from international corporations with close ties to the sovereignty-sucking United Nations and Agenda 21.
This season's coming attractions include Game of Drones and Desperate Taxpayers, and will feature commercials for adult diapers and male performance enhancement. Tune to your local cable guide for the latest soporific offerings.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM BUCKINGHAM PALACE: United States President Donald John Trump is seen being congratulated by Britain's Queen Elizabeth on the successful revolution that resulted in the American colonies separating from the United Kingdom.
An expert lip reader planted in the crowd of adoring sycophants surrounding Her Majesty was able to decipher the following snippet of conversation:
Queen: "I have to hand it to you cheeky Yanks. You whipped our tails pretty good at Yorktown. We should have sent the French fleet to the bottom when we had the chance, those slippery frogs.
“Anyway, as you know I'm still the largest, private landowner on Earth, and still control your money markets out of the City of London. But the rebellion played out well for the masses and, as we both know, distraction is the name of the game.
“I'll have our ambassador get in touch soon to let you know what I want you to do next."
Trump: "Yes, your Highness."
QUICK BYTE: "... failed presidential candidate Hillary Clinton... who kept confidential emails on an unsecured server... will deliver a keynote speech at the cybersec summit... 'People are going to pay between $795 and $,2000 to listen to a presentation (mostly coughing) from a person who was hacked by everyone on Earth'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Following Madame Secretary's presentation, Stormy Daniels will present "Chastity For The Modern Female," followed by "Peace In Our Time'" by National Security Advisor, John Bolton.
Admission includes free shoes for throwing and a barf bag for each attendee.
QUICK BYTE: "A new study says one-third of teens check their phones in the middle of the night... Common Sense Media, found that roughly a quarter of parents [also] woke up and checked their phones overnight..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 12,068: Archaeologists exploring 911 feet below the legendary Lost Island of Manhattan have discovered millions of human cadavers, flash frozen almost instantly, when their culture was wiped away in a single moment during the solar nova and polar reversal of 2046.
Each deep frozen cadaver was discovered to be clutching a small plastic device which researchers believe to have been a communicator which these people carried with them at all times to remain in constant contact with their gods.
Said Imperial Emperor Baron von Trumpenstein who has taken great interest in the project:
"Like Pompeii before them, these Manhattanites must have been deeply disappointed when their gods didn't save them. Of course, they had only a few final seconds to realize this, so their suffering was brief. Really brief!
"We Terrans will continue to Make Earth Great Again by preparing for the next polar reversal as a united transrobotic species, thanks to the hard work and efforts of the Great Apocalypse Survival Program (GASP)."
Dear Rational Reader,
Now there is hope!… and change! And you can be a part of making this happen.
Forward today’s Daily SPAM to two (2) equally superior individuals on your mailing list and urge them to subscribe.
If we can repeat this a little over 30 times (2 to the 30th power) we’ll have the ENTIRE PLANET on our mailing list, and our grandchildren’s grandchildren can sleep safely in their beds knowing that Hillary Clinton didn’t go to the electric chair in vain.
Who knows, maybe we can rescue western civilization? Your local school board? OK…. your weekly Bingo meetup?
Remember, we’re all in this together. Let’s not let New Hampshire’s license plate one day read:
“LIVE FOR FREE OR DIE”
Your Friend In Freedom,
...MEDIA ACCIDENTALLY ADMITS: EARTH'S CO2 LEVELS WERE HIGHER MILLIONS OF YEARS BEFORE HUMANS EVER EXISTED!
QUICK BYTE: "Desperate to scare the entire world... mainstream science has... inadvertently admitt[ed]... that CO2 levels were... much higher before humans even existed on Earth."
THE DAILY SPAM: That giant sucking sound you hear is millions of shocked liberals holding their breath to avoid exhaling CO2.
Note: You can't actually kill yourself this way (and really do your part to save the planet!). You'll lose consciousness and automatically resume breathing.
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