DAILY BYTE: "Researchers... say that the more optimistic a person is, the more likely they are to enjoy longer, more restful sleep ... individuals with higher optimism levels were much more likely to report regularly getting enough sleep..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
With 100% of Americans now 100% pessimistic about their future, sleep deprivation has reached a chronic peak with 62.73% of Americans never sleeping at all.
Another 22.88% sleep while driving to work, while 14.39% sleep on Sundays during church sermons.
The result is a nation of walking, working, blinking zombies who can barely tell what day it is, let alone know how to ring up your grocery order, fly an airplane or oversee a nuclear power plant.
To stem this epidemic tide of somnambulism, President "Sleepy" Joe Biden has called for a National Day Of Rest when Americans will be allowed to sleep all day, still get paid for the work they didn't do, and be forgiven all taxes on the income they didn't earn.
The experiment is expected to be so well received that it might even be expanded to include Monday-Friday, with work required on alternate Saturdays, but only if you don't have errands to run.
In a preemptive move interpreted as signaling the administration's intentions, U.S. Marines have captured the state of Maine, suppressed spotty militia resistance and pressed locals into forced community service, cutting down vast swaths of trees to feed the lumber mills that will operate overtime to produce the quantities of paper that will be needed to print billions of fresh dollars to fund Biden's proposed, new Steady Income + Easy Sleep = Tamed America (SIESTA) program.
Critics of the administration point out that, with no one working, no taxes will be paid to offset engineered fiat money creation, as required by America's dynastic European banking overseers, and could foment a separatist movement in the United States to rival Lincoln's War.
President Biden, who is known to sleep much of the day, could not be reached for comment, although spokespersons for the Oval Office have warned that questions about the president's proposal will be considered a sign of high treason, punishable by being forced to listen to 100,000 hours of Nancy Sinatra recordings.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL: Living up to his reputation as "Creepy" Joe, Senator Joseph Biden, now hot on the campaign trail in his bid for the 2020 presidency, is known to masticate in plain view, sometimes even in front of small children.
Does the press report on this? No, they do not.
Worse still, Biden - former VP under President Barry Barrack Soetoro Hussein Obama - is known to micturate whenever he can find a private place, and is even alleged to have defalcated on the White House Lawn while speaking with the Russian ambassador.
Has the man no shame? Apparently not. But that's what you get when you cross a creepy liberal with a career politician: a guy who will tax your pants off, and then sniff them.
QUICK BYTE: "... one the oldest people to ever mount a presidential campaign... [Joe Biden] repeatedly stumbled and slurred his way through his... remarks in Pittsburgh... almost every sentence was peppered with verbal stumbles..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Lay off the sauce, Joe. You can drink and get it on with interns after you're in the White House. Until then you have to pretend to be moral, honorable and incorruptible, like FDR… Nixon… Clinton… Bush I… Bush II…
QUICK BYTE: "... 'Biden has a habit of swimming in his pool nude... Female Secret Service agents find that offensive'... his detail is considered the second worst assignment in the Secret Service after being assigned to protect Hillary Clinton... They signed up to take a bullet for the President... they didn’t sign up to... see Biden naked..."
THE DAILY SPAM: We all know what chilly water can do to a man's self-esteem. Is this why the agents were shocked? Could Joe be less than qualified to point America into the future?
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