DAILY BYTE: "...‘Mad’ Mike Hughes plans to strap himself to a homemade rocket and launch himself towards space... He is attempting the daring mission in a homemade, steam-powered, rocket that he built himself out of scrap metal."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM JANUARY 1969:
The newly created North American Space Agency (NASA) has announced plans to land a man on the moon early this summer. Several technical hurdles will need to be overcome in the next 180 days.
1. A large enough rocket will need to be designed, built, and tested. According to Werner Von Braun, lead project engineer and top Nazi rocket scientist to escape prosecution at Nuremberg, no U.S. launch vehicle has the power to put such a large and heavy payload into Earth orbit, let alone get it anywhere near the Moon.
2. Aircraft engineers will need to guarantee the successful performance of the ungainly looking lunar lander which has crashed every single time it has been test flown on Earth.
3. Hasselblad has announced that it will be impossible to build a camera that can withstand 500 degree F temperature swings while keeping acetate film from fogging when exposed to space radiation, assuming it doesn't melt inside the camera first.
4. NASA engineers will need to find a way to shield the capsule occupants (now called "astronauts") from the Van Allen belt's lethal radiation on the way to the moon, then back again. This will be especially difficult since current plans call for the space craft to be covered in aluminum foil.
5. Design engineers tasked to build the space suits will need to find a way to keep the astronauts from being cooked alive in the absence of any atmosphere on the moon to absorb lethal cosmic rays.
6. The suits will also need to protect America's moon walkers from the continuous shower of lethal micrometeorites that bombards the Moon's surface at over 60,000 mph with enough penetrating power to puncture the lunar lander and both occupants without slowing down.
All of these obstacles and many more will need to be overcome in the next six months since a successful and widely celebrated landing has already been scheduled to be televised to the world this July.
One small step for man, one giant leap for NASA engineers.
QUICK BYTE: Mars... is belching a large amount of gas... could be a sign of microbes living on the planet... NASA’s Curiosity rover discovered startlingly high amounts of methane in the Martian air..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM A TRAILER PARK IN MARS, PENNSYLVANIA: Local hairdresser, Blanche DeRoot, reports a large amount of methane coming from the living room of their double-wide.
She tells The Daily SPAM, "I swear, I could hardly breathe! So I went and looked. And sure enough, Duane is still alive. He's in there, still eating those refried bean burritos and watching the tractor pulls on TV."
"I thought he up and died on me a year ago. They won't give me the insurance money until I can produce a body."
"At this rate, that could take forever."
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