THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 2046: In order to improve America’s dismal #14 spot on the OECD’s World Education Rankings, President John McAfee, who avoided having to "eat my own d*ck” on national television when Bitcoin soared past $1 million dollars in late 2020 and propelled him into the White House on the Crypto Party vote, today directed the nation’s public school teachers to take the General Education Development (GED) exam.
The GED is available as an option for adults who did not complete high school and who wish to receive a high school diploma.
As President McAfee pointed out, the GED also serves as a barometer of competency for the entire system of public education. Said the president:
“Spend 12 years apprenticing to a blacksmith and you can shoe a horse with one hand tied behind your back.
“Spend 12 years apprenticing to a carpenter and you can frame a door in your sleep.
“Spend 12 years teaching children what they need to know to be successful in life, then turn out millions each year who think we fought the Civil War with Africa? Who can’t find China on a map? Basically, who can’t find their a** with both hands?”
“To solve a problem, you first must identify it. Let’s stick an educational emissions probe up our teachers’ tail pipes and see what comes out.”
The average GED score reported from the nation’s 3.2 million public school teachers printed at 66.6%.
Upon hearing the news, President McAfee declared Educational Martial Law, committed the nation’s teachers to remedial education interment camps in New North Mexico, and will let them out when they can demonstrate on a paper napkin how to solve the quadratic equation.
Meanwhile, the nation’s children have been instructed to go to school each day and teach each other, with the older children serving as mentors to the younger.
Rather than devolve into Clockwork Orange chaos or, as one critic put it, Lord Of The Flies writ large,” school bullying has dropped to zero after Educational Militias were formed by upstanding seniors who patrol the halls with AR-15’s to maintain peace and order.
Observers note that many children have already passed enough College Level Entry Placement (CLEP) exams to get a college degree without ever having to attend college, or go a penny into debt, and have gone on to start their own successful small businesses.
President McAfee seems pleased by the outcome. “Now instead of morons turning out future morons like some kind of dystopian assembly line, we have the kind of superior educational standards that our nation's founders themselves experienced.”
The National Teachers Association was contacted for comment but could not be reached since there is no Internet service in New North Mexico, and it appears that there are no teachers who know how to send smoke signals or start a pony express.
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