DAILY BYTE: "... some birds risk their lives by snuggling up to conserve energy... while this may ensure a good nap, it slows down their reaction to the sound of potential trouble..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM DOWN THE ROAD:
Stressed out Boston area drivers were spotted slumped over the wheel this morning, fast asleep while driving on their daily commute to a soul-sucking job.
Rock Turner, ace reporter for The Daily SPAM, interviewed 48-year old Beverly Bourgeois at Big Box Store where she spends 8 hours on her feet each day as a cashier.
"Heck, yeah. I always sleep while driving to work. It's the only sleep I get what with Harry up all night arguing with the TV and the neighbors fighting with the cops.
"I bought this used Humvee so I could hang rubber tires all around it, you know, like a tugboat? That way I can get out into the stream of traffic and basically get pushed along to the job.
"My next plan is to get a used school bus and charge to drive female commuters so they can sleep on the way to work too. I could even turn this into an IPO like Uber. Maybe Buber?"
DAILY BYTE: "Researchers... say that the more optimistic a person is, the more likely they are to enjoy longer, more restful sleep ... individuals with higher optimism levels were much more likely to report regularly getting enough sleep..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
With 100% of Americans now 100% pessimistic about their future, sleep deprivation has reached a chronic peak with 62.73% of Americans never sleeping at all.
Another 22.88% sleep while driving to work, while 14.39% sleep on Sundays during church sermons.
The result is a nation of walking, working, blinking zombies who can barely tell what day it is, let alone know how to ring up your grocery order, fly an airplane or oversee a nuclear power plant.
To stem this epidemic tide of somnambulism, President "Sleepy" Joe Biden has called for a National Day Of Rest when Americans will be allowed to sleep all day, still get paid for the work they didn't do, and be forgiven all taxes on the income they didn't earn.
The experiment is expected to be so well received that it might even be expanded to include Monday-Friday, with work required on alternate Saturdays, but only if you don't have errands to run.
In a preemptive move interpreted as signaling the administration's intentions, U.S. Marines have captured the state of Maine, suppressed spotty militia resistance and pressed locals into forced community service, cutting down vast swaths of trees to feed the lumber mills that will operate overtime to produce the quantities of paper that will be needed to print billions of fresh dollars to fund Biden's proposed, new Steady Income + Easy Sleep = Tamed America (SIESTA) program.
Critics of the administration point out that, with no one working, no taxes will be paid to offset engineered fiat money creation, as required by America's dynastic European banking overseers, and could foment a separatist movement in the United States to rival Lincoln's War.
President Biden, who is known to sleep much of the day, could not be reached for comment, although spokespersons for the Oval Office have warned that questions about the president's proposal will be considered a sign of high treason, punishable by being forced to listen to 100,000 hours of Nancy Sinatra recordings.
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