DAILY BYTE: "Scientists from the Max Planck Institute... have developed a new blood test that can predict whether you'll die within the next 10 years."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AFTER THE CRASH:
Scientists at the U.S. Department of Imminent Retirement Expectancy (DIRE) have developed a blood test to determine whether you'll die in the next seven days.
The test is administered at Social Security Administration offices to applicants for retirement benefits upon turning 92 years old, the minimum age at which Americans can apply for the monthly benefit.
Said agency spokesperson Liv Shorter, "It's a lot easier on the agency if we can avoid the cost of processing your application if you're pretty much gonna' expire in a week anyway.
"The test will prove enormously helpful in determining whether would-be retirees qualify for continuing existence under the new one-for-one citizen swap rule.
Under the new rule, as adopted by the Millennial Congress, one senior citizen must be terminated for each new citizen scheduled to be born.
Ms. Shorter continued, "If you're not gonna' be around in a week anyway, we can just roll your benefits over to the next scheduled newborn and avoid the time and expense of opening a new benefits account.
"It's imaginative measures like these that allow us to rule New America so effectively."
QUICK BYTE: "... approximately 5 percent of individuals vaccinated with... MMR... develop a fever and rash reaction... symptoms... indistinguishable from natural measles infection..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AN ALTERNATE REALITY: Mad scientists working for The World Health Organization have perfected experimental concoctions that can be repeatedly injected into young children to weaken their immune systems, impair cognition and induce soft tissue cancers in later years.
Officials from The Social Security Administration (SSA) immediately praised the ongoing effort in reducing the burden being placed on the agency by senior citizens who need to depart a little sooner, thereby reducing their overall need for continuing benefits.
Said SSA Commissioner, Liv Shorter, "Improvements in sanitation, nutrition and medical care have kept older Americans alive for far too long now. The faster we can get future dependents off the benefits rolls, the faster we can get our budget back into the black before this entire ball of wax melts down."
Officials at The Office of Management And Budget are said to be keeping President Chelsea Clinton closely informed.
QUICK BYTE: "... the American people face... a point of no return... the only hope... is that scientists discover a wormhole connecting this reality with an alternative universe... The programs that millions of Americans pay in to... are going broke..."
THE DAILY SPAM ### EMERGENCY WARNING SYSTEM! ###
Scientists report a gigantic wormhole of debt forming over the U.S. capitol. Everything that approaches the event horizon - men, women, children, desks, bombers, waste baskets, cruise missiles - will get sucked in, never to be seen again.
U.S. Congresswoman, Maxine Waters, is reported to have looked up, seen the swirling monster, and collapsed on the spot. She is currently in recovery and reading Economics In One Lesson by Henry Hazlitt.
Citizens living anywhere within 12,000 miles of this financial monster are advised to contact your editor for sheltering guidance.
QUICK BYTE: "Since 2004, twenty large federal agencies admit paying out an astonishing $1.2 trillion in improper payments... Dead people received $1 billion in benefits... Medicare, Medicaid, social security payments... federal retirement annuity payouts (pensions) kept flowing to dead recipients..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Not to worry, Dear Reader. There is a financial afterlife, after all. Just don't tell Uncle Sam that you've kicked the bucket, and your next of kin can live on in comfort and style! Brought to you by the same people who invaded Iraq, then discovered there were no WMDs after all.
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