THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM MILFORD, NH USA
Readers of The Daily SPAM were stunned today to learn that your editor is actually not a wide-eyed, foaming-at-the-mouth conspiracy theorist who reads dangerously educational books like Solving 9-11 and Votescam with the curtains drawn, but is in fact a calm, stable, well-adjusted senior citizen who seeks only to be loved… while attempting to rescue western civilization from looming political and economic disaster.
Said Philips after being outed by a sharp-eyed reader, “Well, it had to come out sooner or later. After all, you can’t go around acting normal forever.
“It’s true, I haven’t watched television in 25 years. And I don’t vote for the lesser of two evils since that isn’t really the choice our nation’s Founders had in mind."
When asked what was on top of his reading pile this week, Philips replied:
“This week I’m focusing on 1950s anti-gravitic technology. I was going to watch reruns of Desperate Housewives (or was that Desperate Voters?), but I thought learning how the U.S. has been able to get to the Moon in five minutes - quiet as a mouse and no rockets required - was a lot more interesting.
“Next week I’ll be reviewing Doug Vogt’s Theory of Multidimensional Reality and sorting through some old MAD Magazines that I’m thinking of selling on Ebay along with my Social Security Number.
“Seriously, I hear you can get 50 bucks a pop along the Arizona border where the same SSN is sold to Pancho, Pedro and their closest friends who use it for a few months - each at a different employer of course - then recycle it to Juan, Jose and their closest friends before the IRS can catch on.
“That way your identity can get stolen, not just once, but repeatedly!
"Anyway, I knew I’d get outed sooner or later. That odd gleam in your eye will get you every time. I’m just glad I made it this far.”
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