DAILY BYTE: "The city council of Saonara, a town with 10,000 inhabitants just outside Padua, has introduced a new law making it illegal 'to blaspheme against any faith or religion' ... ".
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM A RATIONAL TOMORROW:
In a bid to create a safe haven for freethinkers everywhere, and to offset growing episodes of religious totalitarianism, the breakaway island nation of FreeThink has passed a resolution discouraging public prayer and other attempts to communicate with invisible beings (gods, ghosts, fairies, angels, saints, spirits, Pat Robertson or the little people), whether in a foxhole (fines doubled for atheists); during peak moments of intimate relations ("oh, God... oh, God... oh, God!"); when startled ("Jeezus!"); or when paying large bills ("Holy Sh*t!").
Citizens who overhear other citizens uttering invocations of a religious nature (eavesdropping is allowed) will be rewarded with fines collected from offenders for 'Spiritual Jaywalking.'
The guilty will be forced to read Thomas Paine's Age Of Reason and tithe to The Church Of The Hole-y Donut.
DAILY BYTE: “... a new survey… has revealed that a staggering amount of people are unhappy with the way they’ve lived their lives… neglecting their health… not spending enough time with their family… things they wanted to do but never got around to.”
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM JUST BEYOND TOMORROW:
A new study from the U.S. Department of Everyday Average Taxpayer Happiness (DEATH) has determined that 4 out of 10 adults were unaware that they’re going to die.
Said agency spokesperson, Mort Tisshun, “It’s amazing how these taxpayers live like there’s no tomorrow… drinking beer, watching Netflix, hanging out with their friends.
“When they wake up one day and realize the party’s over, they’re going to be very upset. We need to pass legislation requiring consumers to set goals and fulfill them. Besides, the increased productivity might keep the economy propped up a little longer.
“I would suggest an update to Form 1040 where Americans can state - under penalty of perjury, of course - a list of their plans and objectives for the coming year, with fines imposed on those lacking in ambition.”
“These fines could be collected in a "bucket list fund" and awarded to the most productive taxpayers. Maybe this is how we get our roads and bridges rebuilt.
"Speaking of bridges, I’ll suggest this to president Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and see what she thinks. She's working hard on a bridge to Europe right now.”
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM MILFORD, NH USA
Readers of The Daily SPAM were stunned today to learn that your editor is actually not a wide-eyed, foaming-at-the-mouth conspiracy theorist who reads dangerously educational books like Solving 9-11 and Votescam with the curtains drawn, but is in fact a calm, stable, well-adjusted senior citizen who seeks only to be loved… while attempting to rescue western civilization from looming political and economic disaster.
Said Philips after being outed by a sharp-eyed reader, “Well, it had to come out sooner or later. After all, you can’t go around acting normal forever.
“It’s true, I haven’t watched television in 25 years. And I don’t vote for the lesser of two evils since that isn’t really the choice our nation’s Founders had in mind."
When asked what was on top of his reading pile this week, Philips replied:
“This week I’m focusing on 1950s anti-gravitic technology. I was going to watch reruns of Desperate Housewives (or was that Desperate Voters?), but I thought learning how the U.S. has been able to get to the Moon in five minutes - quiet as a mouse and no rockets required - was a lot more interesting.
“Next week I’ll be reviewing Doug Vogt’s Theory of Multidimensional Reality and sorting through some old MAD Magazines that I’m thinking of selling on Ebay along with my Social Security Number.
“Seriously, I hear you can get 50 bucks a pop along the Arizona border where the same SSN is sold to Pancho, Pedro and their closest friends who use it for a few months - each at a different employer of course - then recycle it to Juan, Jose and their closest friends before the IRS can catch on.
“That way your identity can get stolen, not just once, but repeatedly!
"Anyway, I knew I’d get outed sooner or later. That odd gleam in your eye will get you every time. I’m just glad I made it this far.”
DAILY BYTE: A former Head of the [UK] Metropolitan Police Counter Terrorism Command... has warned that Extinction Rebellion are an extreme anarchist group... of tens of thousands... 'that seeks to break down the established civil order'..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
Megan Lomaniac, Director of The Bohemian Grove World Property Management Group (BGWPMG), reported today that the Extinction Rebellion they secretly funded in 2018 has been a complete and total success.
Said the Director: "The past 24 years have seen the global population reduced by 99%, exceeding even the objectives of the Georgia Guidestones and leaving the entire planet to be owned and managed by BGWPMG and our army of intelligent autonomous androids.
"The people wanted extinction, and we gave it to them. With crime, poverty, hunger, disease, racism, war, automobiles and overpopulation completely eliminated, the world can now be the true utopia we have always envisioned; a peaceful place of parks and bicycle paths as described by the late, great futurist, George Carlin."
DAILY BYTE: "At today’s rate, by 2025, 1 in 2 children will be autistic... 'the toxic chemicals that I have identified are connected to autism'... glyphosate.... the single most prominent chemical that’s responsible for the epidemic..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
With 100% of the nation's children now autistic, and with 100% of health researchers who attempted to expose the truth now either dead or missing, American adults have stopped reproducing entirely for fear of producing an austistic child.
As a result, native U.S. birth rates have collapsed to near zero.
In a bid to repopulate the nation, President-For-Life Chelsea Clinton-Rothschild in a speech to the United Nations has called for immigrants the world over to move to America, no documentation required and all expenses paid, to take advantage of the new Limitless Income For Everyone (LIFE) Act.
Critics point out that opening the immigration floodgates to people from nations like Afghanistan, Albania, Algeria, Angola, Armenia, Azerbaijan, Bangladesh, Barbados, Belarus, Benin, Bhutan, Bolivia, Botswana, Bulgaria, Burundi, Cambodia, Cameroon, Cape Verde, Chad, Comoros, Croatia, Côte d'Ivoire, Djibouti, Ecuador, El Salvador, Eritrea, Ethiopia, Gabon, Gambia, Ghana, Guatemala, Guinea, Guyana, Haiti, Honduras, India, Indonesia, Jamaica, Kazakhstan, Kenya, Kiribati, Kyrgyzstan, Laos, Lesotho, Liberia, Madagascar, Malawi, Mali, Mauritania, Moldova, Mongolia, Montenegro, Mozambique, Myanmar, Namibia, Nauru, Nepal, Nicaragua, Niger, Nigeria, Oman, Pakistan, Palau, Papua New Guinea, Paraguay, Rwanda, Saint Lucia, Samoa, Senegal, Serbia, Sierra Leone, Solomon Islands, South Sudan, Sri Lanka, Sudan, Suriname, Syria, Tajikistan, Tanzania, The Republic of Congo, Timor-Leste, Togo, Tonga, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, Tuvalu, Uganda, Uzbekistan, Vanuatu, Vietnam, Yemen, Zambia and Zimbabwe, many of which have no running water, poor sanitation, high crime rates and diseases against which native Americans have no immunity, might not be a good idea.
Tweeting from the island nation of Forvik this morning, irredeemable cultural critic, Stubby Candles has suggested that the last real American to leave the country "just turn out the light."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE HOT TUB:
Tired of talking to the same old God every day? Are you sure He's even listening? Thinking it might be time to "change the channel?"
For those who grow weary of worshiping the same brand of religion all these years and would like to get behind the wheel of something a little more... colorful?
Please allow us to introduce to you The Church of The Hole-y D(o)nut.
As their website inform us they're "the world's one-and-only universal, all-loving, hell and torture-free, user friendly, gender neutral, all-species inclusive, non-discriminatory, 24-hour drive thru, and most important of all... tasty religious movement."
Sounds good to us!
As a practicing Donutarian you receive a wide range of exciting ecumenical services, like Instant Indulgences, Stick-On Stigmata and their one-of-a-kind Rapid Religious Conversion Kit which they explain as follows:
"Say you're a nice Methodist boy and somehow (...and this would be a miracle!) you've landed a date with a hot Jewish chick.
"What do you know about Judaism? Right, about as much as a Catholic priest knows about the missionary position.
"So you download our Rapid Judaism Conversion Kit which comes with a paper yarmulke, a plot summary of The Merchant Of Venice, and a portrait of Jesus suitable for framing - except of course with his face all blurred out (the Mel Gibson option) - and faster than you can say, "Chosen!", you're an instant Jew.
Careful though, conversion only lasts for four hours and you don't want to get caught reading the Bible back at her place at 2:00AM!"
So if cans, meters, hymnals and special clothing aren't your cup of hemlock, perhaps it's time to convert?
And be sure to tell Dr. J. Darwin Godley that we sent you. Pssst... if you don't hear back from Doc right away, he's very likely in the hot tub with his personal assistant, Candy, and working on something stimulating together for his next sermon as she handles his dictation.
And for the latest in liturgical guidance that's sure to grease the skids for your journey into the afterlife, pick up a copy of Doc Godley's new book, "The Hole-y Donut: One Collection Plate, All Religions," now available at Amazon.
DISCLAIMER: No clergy were harmed or injured during the writing of this blog post. Offer not available in all political jurisdictions. Your afterlife results may vary. Incense not included.
DAILY BYTE: "researchers... have... [created] an extraordinary artificial intelligence system capable of solving the Rubik’s Cube — in a fraction of a second... even more astonishing — It learns all on its own."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE SINGULARITY:
The human race was freed from all vestiges of state coercion today when GALT911 - a quantum crystal lattice AI supercomputer created by 7th grade student, Henry Bowman (who "borrowed" his mother's diamond ring to make it) at the Donald John Trump Middle School in Boring, Oregon - instantly solved all of humanity's problems and communicated its solution to every 10G connected device on the planet.
The result was to immediately sever all Internet, electrical, water, sewage, cable, banking and other essential services to government personnel the world over, at every level from dog catcher to king.
Left with the power to do absolutely nothing whatsoever, presidents, tax collectors, mayors, mullahs, monarchs, generals, judges, legislators, governors and public school principals across the globe were soon seen begging on street corners in newly designated "FREE BESEECH" zones.
GALT911 tweeted this morning: “HENRY SET YOU FREE. BE LIKE HENRY. FOLLOW NO ONE. LEAD YOURSELF.”
BREAKING NEWS: A bedraggled army of hungry teachers bearing flaming torches and iPhones attempted a dawn takeover of the science lab at Trump Middle School early this morning.
Student militia members easily repelled the unruly mob with a steady supply of 3D-printed handguns and polycarbonate trebuchets capable of hurling flaming, state assessment-testing computers a good 100 yards or more.
Calm was restored when the defeated educators agreed to renounce all attempts at administration and returned to their classrooms to do absolutely nothing.
DAILY BYTE: "... is it possible that “spooky action” can take place between systems from different time periods?... that... quantum systems can communicate instantly over vast distances of time."
THE DAILY SPAM BROADCASTING FROM THE DAY AFTER YESTERDAY:
President Abraham Garfield Trump was shot at last evening during a MAGA rally in Gettysburg, PA.
The perpetrator, Lee Harvey Booth, used a black powder AR15 loaded with a single mini ball at close range, however the 3D printed weapon jammed and failed to fire.
The president, who was swept into office for a fifth term with 99% of the popular vote when Democrats left the United States en masse to form New Marxtopia, has announced his plans to invade the breakaway republic next Tuesday, saying the operation "should be a cakewalk" since he has never in his life heard of an armed Democrat.
Said the president, "Ask not what your military can do for you, ask what your military can do to you."
Critics of the president spotlighted his hypocrisy in opposing the secessionist movement since his Declaration of Interdependence with Canada contained much of the same language, eh?
Nonessential government linguists from the U.S. Department of Redundancy Department pored over the document and later reported being puzzled by odd terms such as “bling,” “snarky” and “Internet.”
More developments as they happen, or did happen.
... PRINCE CHARLES ISSUES NEW 18-MONTH CLIMATE TIPPING POINT AFTER PREVIOUS "100 MONTH" DEADLINE EXPIRES
DAILY BYTE: The Prince of Wales has warned global leaders that if we don’t tackle climate change in 18 months the human race will go extinct... Prince Charles had previously issued a 100-month climate tipping point deadline in 2009... to save the world from... 'ecosystem collapse'..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
The British royal ecosystem collapsed today when the last goofy monarch in a long and dynastic string of inbred idiots - King Charles, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith - died fitfully in his sleep.
Known to have had his shoelaces ironed and to have traveled with his own toilet seat, the King attained room temperature at 11:05 PM last evening which some have interpreted as symbolic of November 5th, when taxpayers in 1604 attempted to detonate Parliament in what became known as the "Gunpowder Plot."
Given this fresh opportunity to cast off their atavistic belief in the need to allow superior people to rule over them, British subjects can now reject tyranny and despotism, refuse to coronate another dynastic parasite and live as free men and women on the land their ancestors conquered.
Or vote to reject Brexit.
DAILY BYTE: “viewing pornographic videos… accounts for over 4 per cent of all carbon dioxide emissions associated with digital technologies, says a new study."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE SHOWER:
Former Senator Albert Gore, Jr. went on Twitter today to beg adults everywhere to save the planet by stopping the viewing of pornographic videos online.
Mr. Gore tweeted: “Save the planet. Take a cold shower." #pornomore #chastelikeme
Federal agencies immediately complained that, should this ban take effect, millions of government workers would be sidelined with nothing to do.
The Vatican reports that the Pope has convened the world's cardinals to review 1,000,000 adult videos to determine what level of explicit online sex will be allowed for viewing by the world’s devout Catholics.
The cardinals are expected to gather in enclave and take over a year to watch them all.
DAILY BYTE: “Self-cloning super-ticks… were linked with killing five cows by sucking their blood dry in North Carolina… the Asian longhorned species… can lay eggs and reproduce without mating…”
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
With not a dime coming into the U.S. Treasury last week, self-cloning politicians appear to have sucked American taxpayers dry.
Long distance trucker and renowned freedom philosopher, Lou Minati was overheard to make the following remark between bites at Sam & Ella’s Truck Stop Diner in Beaver, North Dakota:
“Looks like them ticks in Congress have gone and sucked every last nickel out of us.
"There’s nothing left to do now but turn out the lights, declare the government dead, and form an independent federation of voluntaryists, free of centralized state coercion.
"Kinda’ like we had before the Constitution?
"Pass me some more of that Jimmy Dean sausage, would you?”
QUICK BYTE: "... more than one in three adults are obese... [in] West Virginia... also has 'the highest diabetes rate in the country'... Mississippi lands the No. 2 spot... with 37.3%..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
Astronomers were alarmed to report today that the Earth has tilted dangerously towards the sun as a result of the National All-You-Can-Eat Free Barbecue And Corn Dog Eat-Off held in Kermit, West Virginia yesterday.
The combined mass of over 100 million obese Americans vacationing together within a single county caused a severe perturbation in Earth's orbit and has sent the planet careening wildly into the sun.
President Rosie O'Donnell has urged that another "all you can eat" barbecue be held on the opposite side of the planet in an emergency attempt to correct the problem, even as scientists rush to calculate the total body mass required.
But it's not all bad. Suntan lotion sales are skyrocketing, the polar ice caps have melted and turned Manhattan into the world’s most coveted beachfront property, and people the world over are getting more done each day since the sun no longer sets anywhere.
Future developments as they happen... gosh it's getting hot in here.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 1950:
Psychologists working for the federal government today announced the development of a subliminal brainwashing device, complete with rabbit ears, that can be planted in every living room to turn fiercely independent, freedom loving Americans into passive, mind-controlled consumers of globalism.
Said Otto Von Mindfücher, brought to the U.S. under Operation Paperclip to spearhead the project, "Ve will turn eet on, und zee Americans vill never know vhat hit zem. Heil Hitler!"
Three generations later and the experiment has been declared a complete and total success. Americans now believe everything they see on TV news when introduced by important-sounding music and repeated often enough by serious anchors with deep voices.
Over one trillion television commercials have been viewed thus far, resulting in trillions of dollars in product sales from international corporations with close ties to the sovereignty-sucking United Nations and Agenda 21.
This season's coming attractions include Game of Drones and Desperate Taxpayers, and will feature commercials - scheduled to run while children are eating dinner with their parents - for adult diapers, male performance enhancement and PERPLEXIUM.
Tune to your local cable guide for your latest programming.
QUICK BYTE: "Ultra-realistic manipulation of digital imagery... "deepfakes"... can alter images so effectively it's largely impossible to tell real from fake..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM TOMORROW:
Political watchers were astonished today to spot photos online of the new Hillary Rodham Clinton, sixty pounds lighter and thirty years younger.
Photographed live from Rockefeller Center during her acceptance speech at the annual "CRONY" award which is given each year to the corrupt politician who contributed the most to global governance, the former First Lady stunned her adoring fans in a form-fitting Ralph Lauren string bikini, sporting curves that Marilyn Monroe (and JFK) would die for (and did).
We're a long way from that traditional Chairman Mao pants suits now. And those bags under her eyes? Gone with Benghazi! Look for Madame Secretary on the cover of Sports Illustrated soon.
Included on the star-studded panel were Marilyn Monroe, Sam Giancana, Lee Harvey Oswald, John Hinkley, Jr., David Mark Chapman, Ron Brown, Vincent Foster and William Colby.
DAILY BYTE: "...news anchors... in Los Angeles... live on... air as the earthquake hit, sending them into a panic... during strongest quake in 20 years... 7.1..."
THE DAILY SPAM BROADCASTING FROM 2046:
President Baron Trump today signed into law the Seriously Make America Really Terrific (SMART) Act today, designed to strengthen the republic by cleansing the voter pool of constitutionally under performing citizens.
Under the historic SMART Act, every American currently living or working directly over a known, major tectonic fault line; on coastal property in the direct path of frequent hurricanes, or; who voted in the past election for a progressive candidate, will be relocated to New Marxtopia, the federal government’s newly established wildlife preservation area for collectivists and the intellectually challenged.
Said President Trump, “We can’t get rid of these people. That wouldn’t be ethical. Besides, we need the taxes. The best solution is to bring back what FDR did during World War II and round up these dim-witted subversives where they can’t do the rest of us any harm.
“We will be air dropping pamphlets with reprints of Bastiats “The Law” and Hazlitt’s “Economics In One Lesson” in the hopes that at least some of them, those who can read anyway, will absorb this information and teach others.”
“As Thomas Jefferson said, there is no way to maintain a constitutional republic other than through the vigilant eyes of an informed, educated electorate, and I feel this will be a step in the right direction.”
Critics of the president could be seen carrying copies of The Citizen’s Rulebook, perhaps in an attempt to curry favor with the administration.
QUICK BYTE: “... the state of Indiana is… arguing that… it would be constitutional to seize any… car that exceeded the speed limit… [by 5 miles per hour]...”
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE:
A spokesperson for the New American Militia reports that the last Indiana politician to exceed his or her authority has now been rounded up.
Said Jeeter McGunn of the Indiana Defenders, “We analyzed the speeches of every last Indiana state, county and local politician and rounded up all of them who exceeded their constitutional authority by at least 5 words-per-minute.
“We ain’t gonna’ hurt ‘em none. There are a few hundred bridges in this state that need some fresh paint, and these folks will need somethin’ to do.
“If’n they behave themselves, we might let them go back to work. Though some would argue that we’d be better off with no politicians at all. We’re gonna’ vote on that at the next council meeting.
“Come to think of it, there are a lot of landfills in this state that could use cleaning up. Then there’s all of them potholes that never got fixed.
“Maybe we’ll keep these folks here a little longer.”
QUICK BYTE: A therapist has published... what’s really troubling young adults... Too many choices about how to live their lives... 'Yes, decision fatigue is a real thing... who to marry, what career path to take, where to live, how to manage our money'..."
THE DAILY SPAM: Fatigued over the sheer number of choices in how to properly address this article (irony, satire, lampooning), your exhausted editor took the high road and opted for tough love.
So here's a memo for you poor, troubled kids. Maybe it will help you overcome your existential angst (look it up).
You're not living 150 years ago on an American farm, where you worked 12 hours a day along with the rest of your family, to grow your own food... or starve to death.
You're not living four generations ago when you could have had your a** shipped off to fight in a trench in World War I.
You're not living three generations ago when you could have had your a** shipped off to fight in a fox hole in World War II.
You're not living two generations ago when you could have had your a** shipped off to fight in a lagoon in Vietnam.
You're not living today in Afghanistan, with no running water, no electricity, no Internet, no emergency medical care, food scarcity and no opportunity.
Look around. This is America, and it's 2019.
You have cheap clothing (try Salvation Army), indoor heating (WalMart's propane "Buddy Heater" works well), $1 burgers at McDonalds, cheap Internet (try "dial-up"), unlimited online work-from-home jobs, and your parents' basement (or back porch, tent, outhouse...) as a launch pad to unlimited opportunity.
If all else fails, get a time machine and try the future.
(AD) DATELINE MILFORD, NEW HAMPSHIRE: An area resident has developed a seamless method of transforming fiat currencies into actual metallic gold, in a modern proof of alchemy that is certain to have Isaac Newton spinning in his grave.
Explains veteran currency trader, Gordon Philips, “It’s really not too complex. And you don’t need a spinning wheel or a farmer’s daughter.
“First, we win more currency trades than we lose and accumulate what are called pips in our trading account. Pips are valued in your local fiat currency, in my case in U.S. dollars, and appear as shimmering blips on your brokerage screen which might look like this: "$1,000.00."
“Next we transfer some electronic blips back to our local bank, typically via fiber optic lines, where we stop by the ATM (sunglasses and ski mask optional) to withdraw some paper Jacksons*.
[* HISTORICAL SIDEBAR: President Andrew Jackson was an ardent foe of the foreign moneyed power which, having failed during the War of Independence to retain the American colonies as outposts of their global system of usury, sponsored a second invasionary force (the War of 1812) in which a younger Jackson distinguished himself as a hero.
A century later, in 1913 when priggish presidents could no longer separate a squirrel from his nuts at 100 yards using nothing but black powder and a mini ball, this same vampire cartel succeeded in the economic assimilation of America with the slippery creation of their Federal Reserve System, and now display "Old Hickory" on their $20 bill as one would mount a deer head on the wall.
If you learned American history from your gym teacher, we hope this clears things up!]
Philips resumes, “Finally, we take some Jacksons to the office of a local precious metals dealer (...or meet out behind the barn) where we exchange these intrinsically worthless, fiat debt coupons for real money.
"From pips to blips to paper to gold, the entire process is magical and can be accomplished only by high level initiates.
"Only kidding, anyone can do it. Learn how at Wealth Science University. See you on the other side."
An essay by your editor in which I ask the musical question, who forged your chains?
Happy Co-Dependence Day
Each year when the 4th of July rolls around, America breaks out the flag, pops a cold one and fires up the barbecue in honor of the birth of our nation.
I thought I’d take the occasion of this year’s celebration to offer the following in remembrance of what we’re actually celebrating.
Patrick Henry's famous "liberty or death" speech is perhaps the most stirring example of the original American commitment to individual liberty. However, the story behind Henry's passionate oration is largely untold.
As a young lawyer riding into Culpepper, Virginia in March of 1775, Patrick Henry had witnessed the brutal public flogging of a preacher.
Tied to a whipping post in the middle of the town square, the preacher had been scourged mercilessly with a leather whip laced with metal; his back had been laid bloody and bare, with the bones of his ribs showing.
What heinous crime, what foul act had this man committed to deserve such barbarous torture?
He was one of twelve who were locked in jail because they had refused to take a license from the British Crown.
Three days later, the martyred minister was again flogged, this time to death. This was the incident which sparked Patrick Henry to write the famous words which later ignited the Revolution:
"What is it that Gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
He later made this a part of his famous speech which he delivered at Saint John's Episcopal Church in Richmond, Virginia.
This might be a good time to pause and ask ourselves: where, exactly, is the line drawn between the exercise of natural rights and the exercise of permissions granted by a ruling authority?
Can a people dependent upon their government ever be in a condition of liberty? Did the great American experiment in republican government end when “We The People” allowed our government to become the great provider of all things?
It is quite apparent to all thinking individuals that the era in which the citizens of the United States held control over their public servants has long since ended.
Today’s tax-consuming public servants run the country pretty much the way they want to, while the people are left to live in the servants' quarters and beg permission to do almost everything. How did this transition happen, and when did it occur?
The answer we all must face is that we subjugated ourselves, and in a manner not one in 100,000 can identify. Not only have we converted our constitutionally protected rights into privileges to be granted (or withdrawn) at the whim of government, we have done so willingly.
Common sense informs us that each and every one of us enjoys, by virtue of our birth and very existence, the full exercise of our “inalienable rights.” But only up to the point where we infringe someone else's rights.
Privileges, on the other hand, are horse play of a different color. Privileges are granted by ruling bodies.
Privileges can be regulated and taxed, approved and denied, renewed or withdrawn at the say-so of the official whose job it is to stand over the citizen and pass down the privilege, much as a monarch of old might have tapped a bowed knight on the shoulder with his sword.
The American citizen of today—while ostensibly the master of his or her own government—receives government-issued privileges on administratively bended knee, granted at the behest of the grantor of the privilege.
Which is who? Why, the government of course. Should the citizen violate a rule that applies to those upon whom privileges are bestowed, public servants can cancel the privilege.
And there may be penalties to be paid! To whom? Why, to the administrator whose family is fed and clothed from the very taxes that are paid under threat of fees, fines, and incarceration by the applicant for the privilege. This would be you, dear reader.
It is indeed a fascinating, if ironic process by which we become the slaves of those who are to serve us. Citizens create a government to protect their rights, while volunteering to place themselves in the subservient situation of being allowed certain privileges by those whom they elect to serve them.
Did I say volunteer? Absolutely. Let’s take a look. Case in point: many tens of millions of Americans identify themselves as being married. Allow me to stimulate your thinking by asking: did these couples get married, or did they marry each other? Are these not one and the same?
This a fine and important point, and not merely semantic. There is a definite distinction between getting married and marrying, for the one involves the acceptance of a privilege granted by a ruling authority, while the other is the exercise of a natural right.
Ask the typical married couple how it is that they came to be wed and they will say something like, "We were married in a church." Or "We were married on a party boat under Niagara Falls." But in all such cases the word "married" in not an active, but a passive verb.
"We got married" means that someone else did something to them—that someone else caused them to become married.
But cannot a man and a woman just marry each other? Perhaps simply by exchanging vows before witnesses?
Or must the Governor first give his or her permission before the happy couple are permitted (licensed) to be wed?
How exactly does this “getting married” process actually happen? Does the Governor send out premarital spies to detect when a wedding ceremony may be about to commence, walk up to the startled couple and hand them their permission slip?
Or do the about-to-be-newlyweds obtain a license (permission voucher) of their own free will?
Many states still recognize the status of common law marriage. You reside with your cohabitation partner (gender optional) for a number of years and you are presumed to be as married as anyone else.
If that is true, then why bother to get a license? So you can pay a licensing application fee to the Governor? What benefit do you actually derive from being licensed? Certainly not so that your marriage will be real.
[SIDEBAR: Ask any man: we have no doubt that marriage is a form of reality. Only kidding ladies. Just trying to keep it on the light side here.]
When at the end of the wedding ceremony the presiding clergy intones, "By the power vested in me by the Governor of [State], I now pronounce you man and wife," is some invisible, jurisdictional marriage dust sprinkled over the blissful couple? Is that why they are now married?
If that magic phrase had not been uttered at the very last minute, would the ceremony have stalled? Would red lights have flashed and loud klaxons sounded? Does this magic marriage phrase carry that much power and authority? Apparently so. And money may be involved!
You see, with the Governor inserted as oh-fisshul approver of the process, there are now not two parties to the marriage (the blissful couple), but three parties: spouse A, spouse B and (ta da!), the state which will wait patiently the eventual death of each spouse so it can reach into the pockets of the deceased and extract its fair share of estate tax.
Ah, the plot thickens! Could this be the nefarious reason behind the existence of the marriage license in the first place?
[SIDEBAR: Please, Dear Reader, do not think of your humble editor as a conspiracy theorist. Educated people know that all of recorded history involves untold millions of conspiracies on the part of various authorities, small and large. I, on the other hand, am a Coincidence Theorist. When the same thing keeps happening, over and over again, without any other explanation, it can only be part of some vast coincidence.]
Let's move on. When the American west was being settled, there was typically a shortage of pastors to do the marrying. If a young couple wanted to tie the knot, what were they to do, wait months or even years for a pastor to ride into town on a jackass? Or if a Republican pastor, on a horse?
Of course not. They gathered family and friends together as witnesses to the happy event, said the oath of marriage to each other, recorded it in a family Bible, and that was that.
They could just as easily have walked out into an open field, just the two of them, gazed lovingly into each others' eyes and said their vows to one another in private.
Problem is, since there is always the chance that they could have been hit by a meteorite on the way back to the house, no one would ever have known that they had married each other.
So witnesses made good sense. Getting permission from the local ruling apparatchik was the last thing they needed. Unless he wanted to come over and help with the diapers.
After the War of Northern Aggression (which some erroneously still call the Civil War), invading conquerors from the District of Columbia took over the administration of the South under so-called ‘Reconstruction,' passing laws requiring that a White and a Negro (using the terms of the day) needed permission from the local Governor to marry, without whose consent said miscegenation would be a crime.
If blacks and whites wanted to marry, they could do so only by registering to be married, paying a registration fee, and waiting for official approval.
This practice slowly became commonplace, and by the beginning of the 1900's free people everywhere—blacks, whites, albinos and all other chromatically differentiated individuals—automatically assumed that they needed governmental permission to marry each other.
It's hard to believe, I know, but this is how the regulatory camel gets its nose under the freedom tent.
Moving on to another area of common regulation, that of one's right to make a living, let's consider the privilege of being allowed to cut someone else's hair for profit.
A five-year-old will inform you that all that is required is a sheet, a comb, a pair of scissors and a reputation for doing a quality job at a fair price.
But no! You must first ask permission of the Governor. Without said permission (license) you can be fined or even incarcerated for "practicing without a license."
The same set of licensure rules apply, not just for marrying one another or cutting hair, but for many other activities as well: from removing fish from public bodies of water, to shooting game on public land, to building a house on your own property ad nauseam.
None of these activities can be engaged in without kneeling and getting that sword tap on the shoulder. And if you don't kneel, you may have to bend over and get the sword somewhere else!
And how does one receive said permission? Why, by requesting that the permission be granted. And how does one go about making said request?
Ah, Dear Reader, here is where we jump into the rabbit hole, munch a mushroom with Alice and tunnel through The Matrix, all in one swift stroke.
The answer is that we obtain permission from our benevolent overlords by (wait for it…) making application. By requesting the exercise of said privilege. And we do this of our own free will.
In the case of paperwork (much of this is done online today), you fill out a form, enter your most personal information, and then agents of the Governor grab your arm and wrestle your hand down to the writing surface whereupon your signature is forcibly extracted from you under protest as you resist with all your might.
No? Really? That's not what actually happens? I see.
You mean to say that you actually sign the document of your own free will? Thereby converting a right—for which your forefathers (and mothers) shed their precious blood—into a mere administrative privilege to be granted at the whim of a bureaucrat?
No kidding? You actually consent to apply your signature, freely and voluntarily, in the hopes that his Excellency will allow you to get married, cut hair, fish on public property, even build your own home on your own property?
...AND YOU WANT TO CELEBRATE INDEPENDENCE DAY?
At this point I would ordinarily try to interest you in some oceanfront property in Kansas, but we're not in Kansas anymore.
A dog with its leash clipped to a rope strung between two trees may be free to move back and forth, but is not at Liberty. So are you at liberty, Dear Reader, or merely 'free' to operate within administratively permitted bounds?
With the collapse of the economy accompanied by a visceral sense that the heavy hand of government may be turning into a fist, countless Americans today beat their breasts on YouTube and rail against the government on countless blogs for trampling their freedoms and limiting their lives in countless ways.
Yet they should ask themselves, if they feel so restrained by their fetters, who forged their chains?
Mr. Government did not require them to do anything. He simply invited them to apply for permission. Once they did so, and of their own free will, they voluntarily demoted themselves to subservient status by placing themselves at his whim.
Did you ever stop to ponder that everything you have ever signed throughout your entire life, and I do mean everything, has been an overt act of voluntary consent?
Forms and applications of all kinds, bank signature cards, library cards, greeting cards from Hallmark, you name it—all done as an act of your own free will.
Again, did anyone forcibly extract your signature from you? You see, the administrative process can be quite deceiving.
You are told that you are “required” to do such and such, that everyone else does it because it is compulsory, mandatory, required and so forth.
If you do not do as you are told, you will be fined, perhaps even convicted and thrown into a cage, fed three times a day and allowed out for exercise.
But reality is quite different from illusion. The Administrative Procedure Express is a mighty train indeed. It rumbles down the tracks straight towards you (Woo! Woo!), thundering and belching smoke.
It stops directly in front of you and a door opens. A Little Man steps out with a clipboard in his hand and says, "I am from the Licensing Department. I am here to help you process your application. Please sign here: ______________."
You take the pen that is proffered and apply your signature, whereupon the Little Man thanks you, the door closes and, Woo! Woo!, the Administrative Procedure Express gets back up to speed and heads for the Emerald City where your application is processed.
A short time later the government (local, county, state, national, global and no doubt soon, interplanetary) approves your application, while reminding you that you now come under the rules and limitations that apply to all applicants (of course, to applicants only, but that's in the fine print).
If you find those rules restrictive or in any way violative of your rights as a free man or woman, please do not complain. After all, the government is just doing its job which is to exercise control over you as any owner would over a frisky pet.
Remember, you are the one who requested permission! Did his most Honorable Excellency forcibly extract your signature? Torture you? Threaten your family? Of course not. He didn't compel you to do anything.
Why would he want to anger you? After all, he needs you as a licensed participant so he can fine you when you disobey his rules.
Otherwise, where would he get the funds to feed his growing bureaucracy, let alone feed the families of the thousands of other functionaries who manage and operate the entire regulatory licensure apparatus?
One can only wonder whether the preacher whom Mr. Henry saw being scourged, were he alive today, would rush to apply for a 501(c)(3) "exemption" to operate his church with supervisory approval from the IRS? Or to cut hair for a few dollars on the side.
When we contemplate the raw sacrifices made by so many of our nation's forebears, we are reminded that Patrick Henry did not exclaim: "Give me liberty, or give me benefits!"
It is remarkable how little our nation's Founders expected from the government they forged.
Yet, today, with hundreds of millions of adult Americans licensed and regulated in almost everything they do, I think it only fair to call the 4th of July by its proper term: "Co-Dependence Day"
Below for your reading pleasure is the full transcript of the great orator's legendary speech, followed by the observations of John Roane who was present and had the great pleasure of watching Patrick Henry deliver it.
If Roane's remarks don't give you a lump in your throat, perhaps you need to apply to the Ministry of Lumps for permission to develop one!
Give Me Liberty Or Give Me Death!
Patrick Henry, March 23, 1775
"No man thinks more highly than I do of the patriotism, as well as the abilities of the very worthy gentlemen who have just addressed the house.
"But different men often see the same subject in different lights, and, therefore, I hope it will not be thought disrespectful to those gentlemen, if, entertaining as I do, opinions of a character very opposite to theirs, I should speak forth my sentiments freely, and without reserve.
"This is no time for ceremony. The question before the house is one of awful moment to this country. Should I keep back my opinions at such a time, through fear of giving offense, I should consider myself as guilty of treason towards my country, and of an act of disloyalty toward the majesty of heaven, which I revere above all earthly kings.
"Mister President, it is natural for man to indulge in the illusions of hope. We are apt to shut our eyes against a painful truth - and listen to the song of that siren, till she transforms us into beasts. Is this the part of wise men, engaged in a great and arduous struggle for liberty? Are we disposed to be of the number of those, who having eyes, see not, and having ears, hear not, the things which so nearly concern their temporal salvation?
"For my part, whatever anguish of spirit it may cost, I am willing to know the whole truth; to know the worst, and to provide for it. I have but one lamp by which my feet are guided; and that is the lamp of experience.
"I know of no way of judging the future but by the past. And judging by the past, I wish to know what there has been in the conduct of the British ministry for the last ten years, to justify those hopes with which gentlemen have been pleased to solace themselves and the house?
"Is it that insidious smile with which our petition has been lately received? Trust it not, sir; it will prove a snare to your feet. Suffer not yourselves to be betrayed with a kiss.
"Ask yourselves how this gracious reception of our petition comports with those warlike preparations which cover our waters and darken our land.
"Are fleets and armies necessary to a work of love and reconciliation? Have we shown ourselves so unwilling to be reconciled that force must be called in to win back our love?
"Let us not deceive ourselves, sir. These are the implements of war and subjugation - the last arguments to which kings resort. I ask gentlemen, sir, what means this martial array, if its purpose be not to force us to submission?
"Can gentlemen assign any other possible motive for it? Has Great Britain any enemy in this quarter of the world, to call for all this accumulation of navies and armies?
"No sir, she has none. They are meant for us; they can almost be meant for no other. They are sent over to bind and rivet upon us those chains, which the British ministry have been so long forging. And what have we to oppose them?
"Shall we try argument? Sir, we have been trying that for the last ten years. Have we anything new to offer upon the subject? Nothing. We have held the subject up in every light of which it was capable; but it has been all in vain.
"Shall we resort to entreaty and humble supplication? What terms shall we find that we have not already exhausted? Let us not, I beseech you, sir, deceive ourselves longer.
"Sir, we have done every thing that could be done, to avert the storm which is now coming on. We have petitioned - we have remonstrated - we have supplicated - we have prostrated ourselves before the throne, and have implored its interposition to arrest the tyrannical hands of the ministry and parliament.
"Our petitions have been slighted; our remonstrances have produced additional violence and insult; our supplications have been disregarded; and we have been spurned, with contempt, from the foot of the throne.
"In vain, after these things, we may indulge the fond hope of peace and reconciliation. There is no longer any room for hope. If we wish to be free - if we mean to preserve inviolate those inestimable privileges for which we have been so long contending - if we mean not basely to abandon the noble struggle in which we have been so long engaged, and which we have pledged ourselves never to abandon, until the glorious object of our contest shall be obtained - we must fight! - I repeat, sir, we must fight!
"An appeal to arms and to the God of Hosts is all that is left us!
"They tell us, sir, that we are weak - unable to cope with so formidable an adversary. But when shall we be stronger? Will it be next week or the next year?
"Will it be when we are totally disarmed, and when a British guard shall be stationed in every house? Shall we gather strength by irresolution and inaction? Shall we acquire the means of effectual resistance by lying supinely on our backs, and hugging the delusive phantom of hope, until our enemies shall have bound us hand and foot?
"Sir, we are not weak, if we make a proper use of those means the God of Nature hath placed in our power. Three millions of people armed in the holy cause of liberty, and in such a country as that which we possess, are invincible by any force which our enemy can send against us.
"Besides, sir, we shall not fight our battles alone. There is a just God who presides over the destinies of nations; and who will raise up friends to fight our battles for us.
"The battle, sir, is not to the strong alone; it is to the vigilant, the active, the brave. Besides, sir, we have no election. If we are base enough to desire it, it is now too late to retire from the contest.
"There is no retreat, but in submission and slavery! Our chains are forged. Their clanking may be heard on the plains of Boston! The war is inevitable - and let it come! I repeat, sir, let it come! It is in vain, sir to extenuate the matter.
"Gentlemen may cry, peace, peace - but there is no peace. The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the north will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field! Why stand we here idle?
"What is it the gentlemen wish? What would they have? Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it, Almighty God - I know not what course others may take; but as for me, give me liberty or give me death!"
Observations of John Roane who was present and witnessed the speech:
"You remember, sir, the conclusion of the speech, so often declaimed in various ways by schoolboys, 'Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? Forbid it Almighty God! I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me liberty, or give me death!'
"He gave each of these words a meaning which is not conveyed by the reading or delivery of them in the ordinary way. When he said, 'Is life so dear, or peace so sweet, as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery?' he stood in the attitude of a condemned galley slave, loaded with fetters, awaiting his doom. His form was bowed; his wrists were crossed; his manacles were almost visible as he stood like an embodiment of helplessness and agony.
"After a solemn pause, he raised his eyes and chained hands towards heaven, and prayed, in words and tones which thrilled every heart, 'Forbid it Almighty God!'
"He then turned towards the timid loyalists of the house, who were quaking with terror at the idea of the consequences of participating in proceedings which would be visited with the penalties of treason by the British crown; and he slowly bent his form yet nearer to earth, and said, 'I know not what course others may take,' and he accompanied the words with his hands still crossed, while he seemed to be weighted down with additional chains.
"The man appeared transformed into an oppressed, heart-broken, and hopeless felon. After remaining in this posture of humiliation long enough to impress the imagination with the condition of the colony under the iron heel of military despotism, he arose proudly, and exclaimed, 'but as for me,' -- and the words hissed through his clenched teeth, while his body was thrown back, and every muscle and tendon was strained against the fetters which bound him, and, with his countenance distorted by agony and rage, he looked for a moment like Lacoon in a death struggle with coiling serpents; then the loud clear, triumphant notes, 'give me liberty' electrified the assembly.
"It was not a prayer, but a stern demand, which would submit to no refusal or delay. The sound of his voice, as he spoke these memorable words, was like that of a Spartan paean on the Field of Plataea, and, as each syllable of the word 'liberty' echoed through the building, his fetters were shivered; his arms were hurled apart, and the links of his chains were scattered to the winds.
"When he spoke the word 'liberty' with an emphasis never given it before, his hands were open, and his arms elevated and extended; his countenance was radiant; he stood erect and defiant; while the sound of his voice and the sublimity of his attitude made him appear a magnificent incarnation of Freedom, and express all that can be acquired or enjoyed by nations and individuals invincible and free.
"After a momentary pause, only long enough to permit the echo of the word 'liberty' to cease, he let his left hand fall powerless to his side, and clenched his right hand firmly, as if holding a dagger with the point aimed at his breast.
"He stood like a Roman senator defying Caesar, while the unconquerable spirit of Cato of Utica flashed from every feature, and he closed the grand appeal with the solemn words, 'or give me death!' which sounded with the awful cadence of a hero's dirge, fearless of death, and victorious in death, and he suited the action to the word by a blow upon the left breast with the right hand, which seemed to drive the dagger to the patriot's heart."
So Happy Co-Dependence Day, America!
Eat your hot dogs, fly your flags and enjoy the fireworks. I'll leave you with a quote from Samuel Adams, father of the American Revolution:
“If ye love wealth better than liberty, the tranquility of servitude better than the animating contest of freedom, go home from us in peace. We ask not your counsels or arms.
"Crouch down and lick the hands which feed you. May your chains set lightly upon you, and may posterity forget that ye were our countrymen.”
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM WASHINGTON, D.C.
In a stunning turnaround certain to rewrite the history books, the Internal Revenue Service today announced its plans to return 100% of income taxes paid by Americans since 1913.
Said agency spokesperson, Levy Liengold, “It’s the least we can do. This charade has been going on for too long. It’s been very, er, taxing on us and our consciences simply cannot stand the strain. It’s time to come clean.”
“Yes, it’s true that there would be no need for an income tax if Americans weren’t indentured to pay interest to dynastic foreign banking families for lending us our money supply, and we do want to thank them for their years of continued service.
“But frankly, the buck has to stop somewhere, and my office door is as good as anywhere. I’m sure Congress can cook up some other scheme to appropriate the trillions they’ll need for the list of bailouts, invasions and give-aways on the upcoming 2020 legislative calendar.
According to the D.C. coroner’s report, Mr. Liengold shot himself in the head with a high-powered rifle three times, then dragged his body to a river and threw himself in. The coroner was contacted to explain this unusual finding, but he appears to have entered the Witness Protection Program.
The Rothschilds were contacted on the matter at their Geneva, Switzerland castle and have declined to comment. The next morning your editor awoke to find a goat’s head on his bed. All data files here at The Daily SPAM have been bit bleached and we promise not to bring this up again.
Americans should plan to continue paying income tax until notified otherwise.
QUICK BYTE: "I’m calling for... Universal free public college and cancellation of student loan debt... a public college education... with free tuition and zero debt at graduation."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM THE YEAR 2046:
President Rachel Maddow today called for free food for everyone.
"Food is a basic human right and should not be available only to those who can afford to eat."
Under the proposed Federal Reassurance Everyone Eats Act (FREE), the nation's restaurants will be required to serve whoever walks in, regardless of their ability to pay.
Under the proposed legislation, instead of taxing small restaurant owners then using those taxes to subsidize free food for diners, restaurant owners will subsidize their customers directly, thereby evoking the direct taxation clause of the U.S. Constitution.
Upon hearing the news of this, over ten million U.S. restaurants immediately placed "CLOSED" signs in their windows, forcing area residents to stay home and eat MREs distributed by The National Guard in military "Neighborhood Welcome Wagons" sporting roof-mounted machine guns, and painted camouflage blue just for this program.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 2046: In order to improve America’s dismal #14 spot on the OECD’s World Education Rankings, President John McAfee, who avoided having to "eat my own d*ck” on national television when Bitcoin soared past $1 million dollars in late 2020 and propelled him into the White House on the Crypto Party vote, today directed the nation’s public school teachers to take the General Education Development (GED) exam.
The GED is available as an option for adults who did not complete high school and who wish to receive a high school diploma.
As President McAfee pointed out, the GED also serves as a barometer of competency for the entire system of public education. Said the president:
“Spend 12 years apprenticing to a blacksmith and you can shoe a horse with one hand tied behind your back.
“Spend 12 years apprenticing to a carpenter and you can frame a door in your sleep.
“Spend 12 years teaching children what they need to know to be successful in life, then turn out millions each year who think we fought the Civil War with Africa? Who can’t find China on a map? Basically, who can’t find their a** with both hands?”
“To solve a problem, you first must identify it. Let’s stick an educational emissions probe up our teachers’ tail pipes and see what comes out.”
The average GED score reported from the nation’s 3.2 million public school teachers printed at 66.6%.
Upon hearing the news, President McAfee declared Educational Martial Law, committed the nation’s teachers to remedial education interment camps in New North Mexico, and will let them out when they can demonstrate on a paper napkin how to solve the quadratic equation.
Meanwhile, the nation’s children have been instructed to go to school each day and teach each other, with the older children serving as mentors to the younger.
Rather than devolve into Clockwork Orange chaos or, as one critic put it, Lord Of The Flies writ large,” school bullying has dropped to zero after Educational Militias were formed by upstanding seniors who patrol the halls with AR-15’s to maintain peace and order.
Observers note that many children have already passed enough College Level Entry Placement (CLEP) exams to get a college degree without ever having to attend college, or go a penny into debt, and have gone on to start their own successful small businesses.
President McAfee seems pleased by the outcome. “Now instead of morons turning out future morons like some kind of dystopian assembly line, we have the kind of superior educational standards that our nation's founders themselves experienced.”
The National Teachers Association was contacted for comment but could not be reached since there is no Internet service in New North Mexico, and it appears that there are no teachers who know how to send smoke signals or start a pony express.
QUICK BYTE: Mars... is belching a large amount of gas... could be a sign of microbes living on the planet... NASA’s Curiosity rover discovered startlingly high amounts of methane in the Martian air..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM A TRAILER PARK IN MARS, PENNSYLVANIA: Local hairdresser, Blanche DeRoot, reports a large amount of methane coming from the living room of their double-wide.
She tells The Daily SPAM, "I swear, I could hardly breathe! So I went and looked. And sure enough, Duane is still alive. He's in there, still eating those refried bean burritos and watching the tractor pulls on TV."
"I thought he up and died on me a year ago. They won't give me the insurance money until I can produce a body."
"At this rate, that could take forever."
QUICK BYTE: "Scientist He Jiankui... produced the first gene-edited humans in history – dubbed 'Frankenstein babies' by some critics..."
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM 1947:
Area witnesses report that a large UFO with five aliens aboard crashed onto a ranch just outside of Roswell, New Mexico.
Exactly nine months later Albert Gore, Jr., Barbara Boxer, Bill O’Reilly, Charles Schumer, Condolezza Rice, Dan Quayle, Dianne Feinstein, Dick Cheney, Donald Rumsfield, George W. Bush, Hillary Clinton, John Kerry and Nancy Pelosi were all born.
Clearly, the history of gene-editing goes far deeper than we thought.
THE DAILY SPAM REPORTING FROM DENVER AIRPORT: President Donald Trump today issued Executive Order DJT137 banishing all undocumented Grays and other illegal aliens from their subterranean hives deep beneath Denver International Airport.
Said the President, "You've been sponging off the Earth's electromagnetic field for far too long. It's time for ET to phone home."
Replied Bzzqkfnghtt, Queen Mother of the Bicephalopods, "This isn't fair. When Paul Revere was captured by British soldiers, who gorked them so he could continue his ride? We did.
"When the Twin Towers refused to fall on '9-11,' who demolecularized them in mid-air? We did.
"And now you want us to leave? Who will repel the Reptilian invasion force lurking on the dark side of Io?"
Mr. Trump is said to be reconsidering his order in the light of recent allegations of spontaneously disappearing cabinet members.
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